The Show

April 04, 2004

Before we begin, did you read where the Pope wants people to stop
watching sports on Sunday? Sounds like somebody had Xavier only
going one round....

FIELD SET FOR SAN ANTONIO Well, we've gone from 16 down to four.
Of course, I'm talking about players who'll end up graduating.

CBS is keeping the self-promotion to a minimum. Although I did
think it was a bit much when Jeff Probst showed up and put out
Phil Martelli's torch.

JETS HOPE TO PLAY IN $1.4 BILLION RETRACTABLE ROOF STADIUM IN NEW
YORK CITY Less than 60% of the cost for the 75,000-seat facility
will be privately financed. Hey, I hope I'm not too early with a
name: The Fleeced Center.

About $600 million will come from the city and state, $800
million from the Jets and the rest from proceeds off the
pay-per-view fight between Omarosa and Heidi of The Apprentice.

The city claims it can raise half a billion on a new $1.50 a
night hotel key tax. A buck-fifty a night? There goes your
hooker's tip.

The Mayor's office has everything figured out. During
construction West Side traffic will be rerouted through Nova
Scotia.

TIGER WOODS TO TRAIN WITH ARMY AT FORT BRAGG FOR FOUR DAYS Well,
he's tried everything else, maybe military discipline will
straighten out his driver.

Seriously, it'll be a nice change to see Tiger taking marching
orders from someone other than Phil Knight.

Tiger kept his streak alive at the Players Championship:
Twenty-eight straight tournaments at which some idiot at the tee
has yelled, "You da nanny!!!"

Adam Scott's win at the Players Championships helped ensure John
Daly would remain in the top 10 on the money list and qualify for
the Masters. And this is nice. In Daly's honor, they're renaming
holes 11 through 13 "M&M Corner."

NEW ENGLAND DEVELOPER SAYS HE HAS FINANCING TO BUY EXPOS AND MOVE
THEM TO CONNECTICUT Jon Alevizos would rename the team the
Colonials. Come on. How about something more indigenous to
Connecticut: the NoSox.

Alevizos says if the sale goes through, he would hire former
president George Bush as chairman of the board. Why? So he can
trade Sammy Sosa's father?

Curt Schilling demanded MLB drug testing be conducted by a third
party--which is how it's already done. From now on he'll only
make ill-informed remarks on four days' rest.

Toronto has a new logo this year. It's J.P. Ricciardi dismantling
a blue jay's nest by the All-Star break.

GRIZZLIES CLINCH PLAYOFF SPOT Memphis is going wild. Next week
the mayor will present Hubie Brown and Jerry West with the key
... to the main refrigerator at Graceland.

Elsewhere, Charles Barkley became the 10th person inducted into
the Phoenix Suns' Ring of Honor. The ceremony was supposed to
take place at the start of the season, but it took five months to
let the ring out a couple of sizes.

MATTHEW MODINE STARS AS HONUS WAGNER IN TV MOVIE "THE WINNING
SEASON" Talk about dedicated. To prepare for the role, Modine
spent six months in Wayne Gretzky's safe deposit box.

MICHELLE KWAN'S REIGN ENDS AT WORLDS The five-time champion never
recovered from her fall on Day One. I know what you're thinking,
but Todd Bertuzzi was home the whole time.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Van McCoy.

Bill Scheft is developing a show for MTV Sports about the
University of Colorado: "Pimp My Free Ride."

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)