The Show

April 18, 2004

I don't know if this has anything to do with Title IX, but just
as many cars were turned over and set on fire after the UConn
women won their NCAA title.

MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH FOR PHIL Here's the story they won't tell you.
When Mickelson lost his lead and fell three shots back with seven
holes to go, a local hospital began fitting him for a green
straitjacket.

Wild Sunday. There was so much movement during the final round,
the two guys posting numbers on the leader board had to go in for
rotator-cuff surgery.

Playing in his final Masters, Arnold Palmer had to sidestep a
snake at the 13th hole. Course marshals immediately returned the
snake to its natural habitat, Hootie Johnson's legal team.

Martha Burk was not in Augusta this year. She's too busy with her
latest crusade, trying to get a woman admitted into the first
five rows of a Bette Midler concert.

Once again the Masters was commercial-free ... if you don't count
John Daly's shirt.

Speaking of which, isn't it time for somebody to stitch in COULD
USE just above TRIM SPA?

Three days before the opening round Daly's wife pleaded guilty to
money laundering. She got a good deal. Five years' probation, six
months' mobile-home arrest.

BARRY BONDS TRIES TO CHANGE PUBLIC PERCEPTION WITH NEW WEBSITE
It's www.barrybonds.com. I guess that www.getouttamyface.com was
taken.

Pretty sophisticated website. You can actually download a urine
sample.

Pedro Martinez has readjusted his goals since his opening-night
loss. He now wants to complete at least 30 games--in his own
dugout.

Ben & Jerry's signed a five-year sponsorship deal with the
Mariners. Which means they got Freddy Garcia to legally change
his first name to Cherry.

GIANTS THINKING OF TRADING UP FOR ELI MANNING The Giants are
concerned about their quarterback situation. During the next
three episodes of The Bachelor, Jesse Palmer has been ordered to
wear the red jersey so he can't be sacked.

Last week, at a private workout for NFL scouts, Maurice Clarett
ran a so-so 4.6 40. And now he's thinking of suing the company
who made the stopwatch.

FLYERS GO UP 2-0 ON DEFENDING CHAMP DEVILS Jeremy Roenick is not
shaving his jaw wire until Philly is eliminated.

The Devils are without captain Scott Stevens, who is suffering
from postconcussion syndrome or, as it's known in the NHL, Acute
Lindrosia.

Andrew Raycroft was the first Bruins goalie to get a shutout in
his playoff debut since Tiny Thompson in 1929. Look, I know
everyone suffered during the Depression, but if you're a guy and
your nickname was Tiny, you win.

SERENA WILLIAMS MAY BECOME NEWEST BOND GIRL She'll appear in the
upcoming film From Russia with Love, Love.

Martina Navratilova played her first singles match in the U.S. in
10 years. To give you an idea of how long her layoff was, in 1994
the most dangerous person in women's tennis was Mary Pierce's
dad.

REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE USING DON KING IN ANTI-KERRY ADS
Good move. He'll charge much less to fix this election than
whomever they used last time.

CLEAR CHANNEL COMMUNICATIONS FINED $495,000 FOR HOWARD STERN
TRANSGRESSION What did he do, criticize the officiating on
"Lesbian Dial-A-Date"?

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Wishbone Ash.

Bill Scheft is working on a book with Stephen King, The Girl Who
Loved Ramiro Mendoza on the Disabled List.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)