The Show

April 25, 2004

Did you see the photo of Tiger Woods in the Army Humvee? Butch
Harmon thinks his hands are four degrees too far apart on the
mounted machine gun.

NBA PLAYOFFS: BEGIN STRETCHING The Rockets had a desperate
strategy for the first round against the Lakers: Get Shaq's mouth
into foul trouble.

Miami put on a furious stretch run to grab the fourth seed in the
East. The Heat is the NBA's best-kept secret. Seriously, I still
look at the end of their bench and think, Jeez, Pat Riley really
let himself go.

Mark Cuban made an offer to Kwame, the runner-up from The
Apprentice. I have no idea what that offer was, but I'm sure it's
going to end up costing Antawn Jamison minutes.

Before the playoffs there were some strange events near the end
of the regular season. The Hawks apologized to fans at Philips
Arena after playing a hip-hop song by DMX with obscene lyrics.
Not only that, Bob Sura grabbed the tape out of the sound booth
and wanted credit for a rebound.

The Magic had 4,000 no-shows for Fan Appreciation Night. Can't
blame them. The biggest attraction was getting your X-ray taken
with Grant Hill.

BARRY BONDS HITS 660, 661 Is it me, or did Willie Mays look as
comfortable passing the torch as he did digging in against
Drysdale?

The Rangers and Dr Pepper have announced a joint can-redemption
program. Speaking of saving cans, how's Buck Showalter's job
security these days?

Meanwhile, gas prices are headed through the roof, everyone in
the Middle East hates us, Toronto and Seattle are in last
place--happy 1978, everybody!

NFL 2004 SCHEDULE RELEASED For the first time in the show's
35-year history, neither Oakland nor San Francisco will appear on
Monday Night Football. Thanks a lot, BALCO.

The Bengals will play their first Monday-night game in 12 years
and their first one at home since 1989. It's the longest ban in
Cincinnati that wasn't caused by allegations from Tommy Gioiosa.

NO DEFENSE OF STANLEY CUP Be honest. Did you ever think the
Devils would have their season finale before Friends did?

Elsewhere, the Canucks won Game 6 in triple OT after blowing a
4-0 lead to Calgary. You know what would be great? If Vancouver
police dropped the Todd Bertuzzi case and started investigating
whether the way the Flames came from behind was premeditated.

The Canucks seemed confused. They thought it was best-of-seven
goalies.

MASTERS RATINGS LOWEST SINCE 1993 CBS attributes the drop to
three factors: Easter weekend, the 1:30 final-round start and
Kirk Triplett's dorky hat.

Sunday's round started early due to the threat of bad weather. I
feel so foolish. I thought it was due to the threat of Bernhard
Langer not finishing in time to get his taxes in.

This may explain things. Langer is German for "Trachsel."

Two days after his victory, Phil Mickelson wore his green jacket
on The Tonight Show. I have to check, but I believe it's the
first piece of original material they've had on that show since
Johnny left.

ACTOR WHO PLAYED JESUS IN MEL GIBSON MOVIE PORTRAYS GOLF LEGEND
BOBBY JONES I can't wait for the scene when he walks on Rae's
Creek.

JAYSON WILLIAMS BECOMES FATHER AGAIN Quite a moment. The doctor
came out of the delivery room and said, "Congratulations. It's a
character witness!"

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Rick Astley.

Bill Scheft has written 32 first-round jokes for his annual Mock
Mock NFL Draft.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)