Good to be here. I'll be honest, I've been in better spirits. Two
days ago my psychotherapist presented me with the Crybaby Award.

NO CHANCE FOR A WEB GEM Major League Baseball suddenly canceled
plans to have promotional symbols for the film Spider-Man 2 adorn
bases next month. What happened? Did they find a bottle of andro
in Peter Parker's locker?

MLB claimed the promotion was an attempt to attract kids to the
ballpark. Oh, like all of sudden, eating sugar, hearing fat guys
curse and watching your dad get hammered isn't attractive enough?

It's not the first time baseball has had a marketing tie-in with
the movies. Don Zimmer still makes promotional appearances as
Shrek.

The logo was going to be everywhere. Bases, on-deck circles,
Barry Bonds's left biceps....

No, I'm wrong. Barry's left biceps already has a separate
marketing deal with the movie Envy.

The Rangers came from 10 runs down to beat the Tigers 16-15 last
week. See what happens when Buck Showalter finally gets some
decent pitching?

The Dodgers are off to their best start in years. Great team
chemistry so far. The other day Adrian Beltre popped up to
second, and Milton Bradley offered to run it out for him.

IT'S NOT THE HEAT, IT'S THE HUMILITY The Pacers jumped out to a
2-0 lead on Miami. They're very confident in Indiana. Ron Artest
is carrying enough cash on him to pay technical foul fines for
five weeks.

The Pacers had 11 days between the first round and the start of
the Heat series. Hey, not even Rik Smits is that well-rested.

After dropping the first two games to the Spurs, the Lakers put
Game 3 away early. Speaking of garbage time, what do you think
the ratings will be for a San Antonio-Indiana final?

Kobe Bryant was scheduled to be arraigned this week in Eagle,
Colo. And I don't know if this will help, but he plans to show up
with Bruce Bowen defending him.

The Mavericks were fined $25,000 by the league for showing a
pregame video that ridiculed the Sacramento Kings. Too bad. That
wipes out Mark Cuban's advertising budget for the DVD.

Hoops phenom Sebastian Telfair declared himself eligible for the
draft. In a related story, the Clippers will be represented at
the lottery by a Hummer salesman.

WELL, IT'S DOWN TO PHILLY, TAMPA, SAN JOSE AND CALGARY Of course,
I'm talking about the last four stops on the Guess Who reunion
tour.

Calgary and San Jose share an interesting history. The Flames'
Darryl Sutter coached the Sharks until 2002. Or was that his
other brother, Daryl?

CBC commentator Don Cherry will reportedly be let go after the
Stanley Cup playoffs. Cherry has been with Hockey Night in Canada
for 23 years. You know what's sad? His pit bull's pension doesn't
kick in until the dog turns 165.

Last week Alex Trebek appeared on Live with Regis and Kelly
wearing a Maple Leafs jersey. Ladies and gentlemen, John Ferguson
and Pat Quinn have got to stop signing guys way past their prime.

RAVENS LINEBACKER RAY LEWIS SETTLES OUT OF COURT TO AVOID A CIVIL
TRIAL Too bad. Michele Tafoya was all set to work the sideline.

RAIDERS CONSIDER HIRING NICK FROM "THE APPRENTICE" TO SELL LUXURY
SUITES What's next? Al Davis putting Omarosa on retainer in case
he needs someone to lie under oath?

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy the Brothers Johnson.

Bill Scheft grabbed a chunk of sod from the finale of Survivor
All-Stars.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)