The Show

May 23, 2004

Try to keep it down. We don't want to wake up Roy Jones Jr.

SMARTY JONES ROMPS BY 11 1/2 LENGTHS IN PREAKNESS In the 13 days
between victories, Smarty did not have a workout. However, on
Thursday afternoon in the paddock, he did 20 minutes of
Strippercise.

Gary Stevens flew in from Paris to ride runner-up Rock Hard Ten.
I guess Tobey Maguire couldn't make weight.

MLB MOVES OFFICIAL DRUG TESTING FACILITIES TO LAB IN MONTREAL Are
you like me? Are you expecting Bud Selig to announce that 22
samples this season will be processed in San Juan?

Previously, much of the testing had been done at a laboratory in
Southern California. I believe it was called Centrifuges 'n
Things.

A document from 1791 was found in Pittsfield, Mass., which
contains the first recorded mention of the word baseball. And
what are the odds of this? Later in the same document is the
first recorded mention of Spider-Man.

Congratulations to Red Sox outfielder Manny Ramirez who became a
U.S. citizen. Manny had done very well on the citizenship test. A
couple of questions were over his head and he didn't even drop
his bat and charge the test monitor.

Roger Clemens is 7-0. And I'm not sure if this is part of his
contract, but during his last start he got a visit on the mound
from Astros pitching coach Burt Hooten and three visits from his
sons.

LAKERS GET OVER THEMSELVES, GET OVER ON SPURS Kobe Bryant went
for a double double in the deciding game: 26 points, 12 words
spoken to Phil Jackson.

Not exactly offensive fireworks in the playoffs. TNT is thinking
of changing its slogan to, "Shoot 32% from the floor, or go
home."

FLYERS-LIGHTNING SERIES STARTS UGLY, GETS UGLIER Philadelphia
coach Ken Hitchcock claimed fans in Tampa were throwing food at
his players. Not only that, it was stuff Jeremy Roenick is still
not allowed to chew.

During Game 1, the Lightning offered free beer to anyone who put
down a deposit on season tickets for next year. By the third
period they had to add an express lane to the men's room.

I don't get it. This is the one season in Tampa Bay you didn't
have to be drunk to enjoy the team.

Free beer, but there was one catch. Before every refill you had
to touch your finger to your nose and spell Khabibulin.

NFL TODAY WAIVES DEION SANDERS Sad the way it happened. CBS told
Deion's tailor to let out his contract.

The Rams have given quarterback Kurt Warner permission to talk
with other teams. It's working great. So far 20 call-in radio
stations are interested in signing his wife.

FORMER PRESIDENT BUSH TO LEAD U.S. DELEGATION INTO ATHENS His son
George W. is thrilled. He asked his dad to get a picture taken
with Uga VI.

Meanwhile, Iraq qualified for the Olympic soccer tournament. But
that didn't stop Halliburton from requesting $50 million to
rebuild the team.

BCS SIMPLIFICATIONS DISCUSSED If the proposed new system had been
in place, this year's national championship would have been LSU
versus Clay Aiken.

SYRACUSE CHANGES NICKNAME FROM ORANGEMEN TO ORANGE Great
marketing strategy. Why be represented by some cute, innocuous
mascot when you can be associated with a threat level on the
terror alert chart?

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Katrina and the Waves.

Bill Scheft is almost finished writing a television pilot for
David E. Kelley, The Practice ... Tee.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)