The Show

June 06, 2004

Good to be here. Is it just me, or does it seem that the only
place from which the United States has an effective exit strategy
is Roland Garros?

REDS WIN SEVEN STRAIGHT, MOVE INTO FIRST PLACE Veteran pitcher
Paul Wilson is 7-0. He's so confident, he's already rented his
summer place on the disabled list.

In fact, the Great American Ballpark has become a pitchers' haven
since the Ken Griffey Jr. trade winds died down.

The Giants have hired Harvey Shields, Barry Bonds's personal
stretch man. He'll continue to work with Barry, but he can see
other groins on the side.

Traveling home after a recent start, Red Sox pitcher Curt
Schilling used his cellphone to call police and get a drunk
driver off the road. Be honest. How many of you are waiting for
me to say Grady Little would have left him out there?

The A's finally retired Reggie Jackson's number 9. What took them
so long? Did they have to get written permission from Mike
Gallego?

BUDDY SYSTEM PREVAILS OVER ELEMENTS, FIELD AT INDY Buddy Rice,
the first pole sitter to take the 500 since 1997, won the
rain-shortened race under a yellow caution flag. Tense finish.
During the last lap he was going so slowly, he was almost passed
by two guys from Kenya.

Twice the race was delayed for two hours because of passing
storms. At one point a desperate IRL president, Tony George, was
out trying to dry the track using Jessica Simpson's hair blower.

Financial concerns plagued the field. Two entries were without
primary sponsors, and gas is so expensive, Roger Penske came very
close to having Helio Castroneves and Sam Hornish Jr. carpool.

MAGIC WINS NBA DRAFT LOTTERY Big night for the troubled
franchise. Pat Williams held up a back brace inscribed with
OKAFOR 1.

In the playoffs Pacers forward Ron Artest was fined $10,000 for
making an obscene gesture at the end of Game 2. Wait a minute. I
thought it was O.K. to make an obscene gesture on cable after 10
p.m.

For the first time all games in the conference finals will be on
cable. Do you think David Stern would mind if, just until June 3,
we referred to the league as NBA&E?

Not that there isn't any pro basketball on ABC. I think I saw
former All-Star Shawn Kemp's name on the closing credits as
"technical adviser" for My Wife and Kids.

This is getting a little out of hand. On the way back from
Minneapolis for Game 6, Shaq was fouled 12 times at baggage
claim.

Quick impression. Flip Saunders's wife: "You're not leaving this
house until you put in the back screens...."

LOW TV RATINGS FOR STANLEY CUP The NHL wants young viewers.
They're thinking about adding Simon Cowell as a goal judge.

The exact numbers aren't in, but I'm pretty sure that by the end
of Game 2, there were more people in the penalty box than
watching at home.

Hockey fever has gripped Tampa. The other night Lou Piniella used
a Lightning thunderstick to signal for a righthander.

PAUL TAGLIABUE SAYS HE'D LIKE AN NFL TEAM IN LOS ANGELES BY 2008
That's nice, but right now the only one in L.A. who could come up
with the franchise fee and stadium funding is Shrek.

DON KING BANNED FROM DOING BUSINESS IN ATLANTIC CITY This is
serious. For the next year the only thing he's allowed to fix in
that town is Donald Trump's hair.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy the Neon Philharmonic.

Bill Scheft is the former head monologue writer for
Rahal-Letterman Racing. He was the 11th guy to come up with the
phrase Stupid Pit Tricks.

COLOR PHOTO: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)