The Show

June 13, 2004

Good to be here. How about a hand for my opening act, Junior
"Dice" Seau?

BIRDSTONE LEAVES HORSE FANS JONESING The New York-bred went off
at a distant 36-1. In fact, the only person in his inner circle
to put a win bet down was Marylou Whitney's chauffeur's valet's
assistant.

So, once again, no Triple Crown. And today, a confused Visa CEO
Carl Pascarella presented a $5 million check to Carl Yastrzemski.

Here's some interesting trivia. The idea for the Visa Triple
Crown was inspired a few years back by a little-known
3-year-old--APR Indy.

NBC really dragged out the prerace coverage. Come on. Did we
really need to see a feature on the Queer Eye guys redecorating
the two-dollar window?

I don't want to say anything, but maybe the horse would have
performed better commuting the day of the race from Eagle,
Colorado?

If he'd won the Belmont, Smarty might have received $40 million
in stud fees. Sure, it sounds like a lot, but 75% of that goes to
his pimp horse.

GAUDIO BEATS CORIA IN FRENCH OPEN Or, as it's also known,
Argentinean Idol.

Coria advanced to the final by defeating Tim Henman of Great
Britain 3-6, 6-4, 6-0, 7-5. Too bad. If they'd gone to a fifth
set, the match would have lasted longer than the Falkland Islands
war.

The Williams sisters didn't even reach the semifinals. Serena had
45 unforced errors against Jennifer Capriati. Forty-six, if you
count her outfit.

DODGERS OWNER FRANK MCCOURT NAMES HIMSELF TEAM PRESIDENT
Apparently he really impressed himself during the interview.

A man awaiting trial for murder in L.A. was released after his
lawyers showed tapes from Curb Your Enthusiasm that proved he was
at Dodger Stadium at the time of the crime. Didn't I see this on
an episode of Seinfeld?

The lawyer had previously gone through Fox footage from the game
and couldn't find his client. Although he did spot some lady
shoplifting Vin Scully's hand makeup.

FINALLY, THE FINALS The Pistons could be tough. Richard Hamilton
is playing well enough to turn down a spot on the Olympic team.

The Lakers' resiliency during the playoffs has been amazing. Were
you like me? Were you thinking they wouldn't last as long as The
Magic Hour?

BOB PROBERT ARRESTED IN FLORIDA The former NHL enforcer fought
with police and had to be shocked several times with a Taser gun.
Of course, Darryl Sutter is claiming he did this to take
attention away from the Flames.

Sutter made statements implying the league was rooting for the
Lightning to win the Cup. Come on. That's like saying David Stern
is rooting for the Lakers to ... O.K., bad example.

Darryl is serious about the conspiracy. For Game 7 he replaced
Ville Nieminen on the point with Oliver Stone.

No, I'm sorry. That's Oliwa Stone.

MIKE POWELL TO TRY OUT FOR U.S. OLYMPIC TEAM The 40-year-old long
jumper is in great shape. Last week he cleared 27 feet. And that
was just to distance himself from Kelli White.

ALLEN IVERSON'S CAR TICKETED AT PHILADELPHIA AIRPORT The Sixers
All-Star received a $300 citation for illegally parking in a
handicapped zone. I'd fight it. Not handicapped? What do you call
playing in an offense where your second option is Derrick
Coleman?

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy the Greg Kihn Band.

Bill Scheft is in court over his latest book, Harry Potter and
the Wizards' Dwindling Season Ticket Base.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)