Let's hurry this up. I have to visit my six-year-old niece in the
hospital. Freak accident. She got between me and a foul ball.
But, in my defense, I did call for it.
MICKELSON CAN'T DUCK, DUCK GOOSEN AT U.S. OPEN Poor Phil. First
he double-bogeyed 17, then Lizzie Grubman backed over his caddie
in the parking lot.
NBC used 50 cameras. Forty-seven on the course and three shooting
continuous promos for Joey.
By the way, does anyone have the number of the Shinnecock course
superintendent? I'd love to know how they were able to change the
pin placements on the cart path.
You didn't need spin for your ball to stay on the 7th green, you
needed a Sherpa.
Please. The only person consistently on the green during the
final round was the guy with the hose.
Meanwhile, Tiger's problems off the tee continued. Woods was so
far right he was offered a job with Fox News.
OLYMPIC TORCH COMES TO LOS ANGELES Things got off to a bad start
when 10,000 people showed up to protest the second-hand smoke.
Meanwhile, USADA intends to lower the burden of proof for
athletes suspected of steroid use. The antidoping agency wants to
relax the criterion from "beyond a reasonable doubt" to
"comfortable satisfaction." Which, of course, is just above "pure
Attorneys for Marion Jones claim she recently passed a lie
detector test in which she was asked if she'd ever taken
performance-enhancing drugs. Unfortunately, the results of the
polygraph may not count because they were wind-aided.
DEVIL RAYS POST MLB'S SECOND-BEST RECORD OVER LAST MONTH Yeah,
right. Next thing you're going to tell me, the majors' winningest
pitcher is Kenny Rogers.
Indians pitcher Cliff Lee was suspended six games for throwing
behind the head of Ken Griffey Jr. Here's what I don't get.
Before Griffey hit number 500, the Reds wanted to appeal the
suspension and have him sit out the next two series on the road.
JAGS SUBJECT OF TRAINING CAMP DOCUMENTARY Pretty catchy title:
Fahrenheit 4th and 11.
The Patriots handed out Super Bowl rings, which cost the team
more than $20,000 apiece. And thanks to some tinkering by Scott
Pioli, only $9.95 will count against the cap.
Tests on Jeremy Shockey's injured right foot have uncovered a
"hot spot." What does that mean? At the base of his arch there's
a VIP room?
Giants QB Jesse Palmer and the woman he chose on The Bachelor
have broken up. Apparently, she's getting more reps with Eli
PISTONS RUN RINGS AROUND LAKERS The Lakers are in complete
disarray. Phil Jackson's gone, and the only people under contract
for next year are Shaq, Luke Walton and Vanessa Williams.
Game 5 was such a blowout, at one point ABC cut away to
prerecorded footage of Regis selecting a tie for work.
Sad. By the second quarter, after Shaq was called for his third
foul, management had already rented out the Staples Center that
weekend for a BriteSmile convention.
NASHVILLE SOUNDS GIVE AWAY 10,000 MOSES BOBBLEHEADS Yes, I
believe it was Moses who said, "Let my people promote."
MARV ALBERT'S CONTRACT NOT RENEWED The MSG Network reportedly
was not thrilled by the negative tone of some of Marv's Knicks
broadcasts. It's true. He was only saying "Yessss!" 34% from the
My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Stealers Wheel.
Bill Scheft is an uncredited screenwriter on the upcoming Ben
Stiller project TV Tag!