The Show

July 04, 2004

Good to be here. This just in: David Stern has announced that
only 3% of NBA players have records by the Police.

EIGHT HIGH SCHOOLERS SELECTED IN FIRST ROUND OF BASKETBALL DRAFT
You know what the NBA needs? A child-proof salary cap.

Top draft pick Dwight Howard is very religious. He won't sign
with Orlando unless the team changes its nickname to the Magi.

New York City high school star Sebastian Telfair, who was
selected 13th by the Blazers, did not attend the draft. He was
holed up in the pocket of a rep from Adidas.

Twelve players from Europe were chosen. Shocking. By the end of
the night, there were no Ukrainians left for the NHL draft.

More than 20 of the NBA's 30 teams have called the Lakers about
Shaquille O'Neal. It's going to be a tough deal to swing. The
Lakers are looking for at least two starters whom Kobe Bryant is
comfortable not getting the ball to.

RAIN RULES WIMBLEDON Weather postponements forced matches to be
played on the middle Sunday for only the third time in the
tournament's 127-year history. Or, if you're chair umpire Ted
Watts, the 127th time in the tournament's three-year history.

Watts was fired after he incorrectly awarded Karolina Sprem a
point during the second-set tiebreaker of her upset win over
Venus Williams. This guy has no business making calls at Centre
Court. He should be refereeing at Euro 2004.

Wimbledon organizers plan to install a retractable roof by 2008.
The roof would be required to close within 10 minutes. Hmm. Maybe
they could apply the same technology to Marat Safin's mouth.

CARLOS BELTRAN MINUTE MADE FOR ASTROS OUTFIELD Houston acquired
the five-tool centerfielder in a three-way trade with the Royals
and the A's. I don't want to call it a summer rental, but he
comes with a cleaning deposit.

After two years Yankees pitcher Jose Contreras was reunited with
his family from Cuba. They weren't due to arrive in South Florida
until next month, but at the last minute, Billy Connors
discovered a flaw in their delivery.

The Padres suspended their top draft choice, shortstop Matt Bush,
after he was arrested for allegedly biting a bouncer at a bar in
Arizona. Technically, does this make him one of those Bonus
Rabies?

The surging Devil Rays became the first team in modern history to
go from 18 games under .500 to a winning record in the same
season. Lou Piniella was seen kicking a party hat.

FLORIDA STATE'S TWO NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHIES STOLEN The
school is offering a $2,500 reward and a full scholarship to
Miami.

It's the first time a school has been robbed of a championship
trophy since, well, January.

NBC TO USE 99 ON-AIR ANNOUNCERS AT SUMMER OLYMPICS Or, one for
every minute of live coverage.

Ninety-nine on-air personalities. They'll march in the opening
ceremonies under the flag of a new nation, Egomania.

ESPN BROADCASTS FOURTH OF JULY HOT DOG EATING CONTEST FROM CONEY
ISLAND The format is a little different this year. Woody Paige
gets 45 seconds for rebuttal.

BEN AFFLECK WINS CALIFORNIA STATE POKER CHAMPIONSHIP Big week for
Ben. The next day he flew to Vegas and was married for 55 hours
to Sam Farha.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Carl Carlton.

Bill Scheft is awaiting word from the Elias Sports Bureau on
whether it will recognize his proposed new statistic, Quality
Blown Saves.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)