The Show

August 01, 2004

Good to be here. Do me a favor. Try not to walk out when Linda
Ronstadt dedicates When Will I Be Loved to Terry Francona.

THE JOY OF SIX FOR LANCE The incomparable Texan won a record
sixth consecutive Tour de France. At the halfway point Lance was
9:35 behind. But Sheryl Crow's engineer remixed it to a 3:40
lead.

For the last six years Lance has entered the Alps either behind
or with a slight lead and emerged with an insurmountable margin.
I wannatellya, I haven't seen anyone do that consistently well in
the mountain stages since Mal Z. Lawrence.

Avid cyclist Robin Williams joined Armstrong's entourage for the
last few days. Comedians love Lance. Roseanne Barr showed up at
stage 19 to spit back at the German fans.

CARLOS DELGADO SITS DURING GOD BLESS AMERICA TO PROTEST WAR IN
IRAQ Protest? You think he would be sympathetic. The only person
who's left more guys stranded than Delgado is Bush.

Even though Delgado has been sitting out the seventh-inning
stretch all season, Bud Selig found out about it last week. Don't
be shocked. Two weeks ago he found out the Brewers were no longer
in the AL East.

Meanwhile, in Chicago, Mayor Richard Daley ordered a structural
inspection of Wrigley Field. Not only that, the Cubs were given
seven days to post a sign in the clubhouse: EMPLOYEES MUST WASH
HANDS AFTER HANDLING MOISES ALOU.

Three times in the last five weeks chunks of cement have fallen
from the upper deck at Wrigley Field. But here's the good news.
Each time, fans moved out of the way so players could catch them.

Elsewhere, the Rockies say they will only consider legitimate
prospects for starter Shawn Estes. Legitimate prospect. What does
that mean, the scout who signed him has to be married?

KMART: MILE-HIGH SPECIAL In the week after signing Kenyon Martin,
the Nuggets sold 180 season tickets. And six tattoo parlors
opened in the Denver airport.

The Sixers acquired Kevin Ollie for a third time. I believe he
was the player to be named later in the Kevin Ollie trade.

MARION JONES'S EX-HUSBAND CLAIMS SHE TOOK STEROIDS Why couldn't
she have married someone quiet and noncontroversial, like Carl
Lewis?

Meanwhile, U.S. 100-meter champion Torri Edwards, found guilty of
using a banned stimulant, may avoid suspension from the Olympics
because of "exceptional circumstances." Hmmm, exceptional
circumstances. Like she's exceptionally fast?

SIDES MEET IN NHL LABOR DISPUTE It wasn't very productive. All
they agreed on was a salary cap for 38-day Jeopardy! champ Ken
Jennings.

More than half of the employees in the NHL offices were
reportedly told they could be offered severance packages.
Finally, some fiscal sense. It's not the players' union or the
owners who have caused this mess, it's the guy who changes the
toner on Gary Bettman's fax machine.

THE NEW YORK TIMES WILL NOT ALLOW ITS COLLEGE FOOTBALL POLL TO BE
USED IN THE BCS RANKINGS Good move. Why be part of a flawed,
highly suspect, often ridiculed system, when you can take full
credit for your own flawed, highly suspect, often ridiculed
system?

LIBYA DICTATOR MU'AMMAR GADHAFI TRYING TO BUY ENGLISH PREMIER
LEAGUE SOCCER TEAM I hope I'm not too late with a name:
Dismantled Arsenal.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Andrea True Connection.

Bill Scheft is still looking for a corporate sponsor for
Oscillating Fan Appreciation Day.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)