The Show

August 08, 2004

Good to be here. Look, I'm no shill for Claritin, but I took one
this morning and for the last 12 hours haven't even come close to
saying Jonathan Cheechoo.

DEMS DA TICKET
In Boston, John Kerry was making changes in his nomination
speech up until the last minute. In fact, the slogan "Help is on
the way" was originally "Orlando Cabrera is on the way."

Some delegates took batting practice at Fenway Park. And for an
extra $500 donation to the DNC, they got their face shoved by
Jason Varitek.

The convention went off without incident, although Bud Selig
fined Al Gore $4,000 for covering his bald spot with pine tar.

While Madison Square Garden prepares for the Republican
convention, the New York Liberty is playing its games at Radio
City Music Hall. For those WNBA teams coming in, you've been
warned: Don't even think of posting up Diana Ross.

Meanwhile, President Bush stopped by the Browns' training camp.
He wanted to supervise the handoff of power to Jeff Garcia.

TRADE DEADLINE BECOMES SWAP MEET
Steve Finley went to the Dodgers after saying he'd only accept a
deal to a California team. Not only that, he'd like his position
to be renamed center-dude.

Randy Johnson was forced to stay put in Arizona. The youngest
prospect the Yankees could offer was Jumpin' Joe Dugan.

Meanwhile, the Yanks reportedly have plans to build a $700
million stadium without public funds. Shouldn't be a problem.
Three parasites have already pledged $100 million.

Goldman Sachs has arranged a $225 million loan for the Yankees.
Apparently, they were able to obtain a rate .5% below prime with
A-Rod.

This raises a serious question of fiscal prudence: When the
Yankees get okayed for a loan, does Mariano Rivera have to be at
the closing?

Last week a brawl broke out during batting practice before an
Angels-Rangers game. Every player got five swings.

FISH OUT OF RUSHER
Emotional last few days in Miami. The crying, the pleading, the
begging ... but enough about Leigh Steinberg.

Days before his announcement, Ricky Williams learned he had
failed a third drug test. And he told the Miami Herald that
marijuana played a role in his decision. Well, that should settle
the issue of whether he was tired of taking hits.

You know, I'm not going to start worrying about Ricky until he
buys a van from Nate Newton.

Meanwhile, tough start for the Cowboys. They have to decide
whether to put Antonio Bryant on the "physically unable to kiss
Parcells's ass" list.

UNHERALDED DANNY WILLIAMS KO'S MIKE TYSON
Tyson is desperate. After the fight he called his accountant and
tried to get him to file and extend the referee's count from 10
seconds to 90 days.

During the fight Tyson suffered a serious knee injury. A guy
showed up between rounds and repossessed his ACL.

After the fight Williams proposed to his girlfriend. He got down
on one knee and gave her The Ring.

SPORTS BUSINESS DAILY NAMES MICHAEL PHELPS MOST MARKETABLE U.S.
SUMMER OLYMPIAN
The least marketable? Any team member who says, "Can you get a
picture of me with Marion Jones?"

SUNS ACQUIRE FORMER CLIPPER QUENTIN RICHARDSON
Now, the tough part: clearing cap space for Brandy.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Nena.

Bill Scheft is trying to get Street Cred Luge added to the X
Games as a demonstration sport.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)