CBS and Paramount Television are exploring the possibility of a half-hour comedy series based on the life of Texas Tech coach Bob Knight.
(CUE theme song, to the title tune from The Beverly Hillbillies, by Lester Flatt and Earl Scruggs.)
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Bob.
Coached Indiana 'fore they up and took his job.
Bob said, "Why is everyone afraid of me?"
Then he went on the tube and berated Jer-e-my.
Schaap, that is. Journalist, TV star....
(Fade in. Interior. BOB KNIGHT'S living room in Lubbock. Early evening. The doorbell rings. From the kitchen, off-camera, comes the voice of Bob's wife, ALICE....)
alice: Do I hear a ding-dong?
bob (under his breath): No, but I hear a ding-dong--every time you talk, Alice!
alice: (off-camera): I heard that, Bob!
(The doorbell rings again and again.)
bob: (rising from the couch and yelling at the door): Ring that bell one more time and your ass is...
(Bob opens the door to reveal former NBA star ISAIAH RIDER, who enters the apartment and sets down his suitcases.)
bob:(finishing his threat): ... grass!
isaiah: No, thanks, I got plenty.
bob: What the hell are you doing in Lubbock?
bob: Ten to life?
isaiah(falling onto sofa): Actually, I saw your ad in the paper. You have a room to rent, I need a place to sleep.
bob: You mean a place to oversleep?
isaiah:(picking up a frilly pink throw pillow): Throw pillows, Coach?
(Enter Alice, carrying a tray of drinks and snacks.)
alice:(gesturing toward her husband): No, Bob throws chairs. (She holds up a glass pitcher.) Punch, anyone?
bob: Not since this morning. But the guy was asking for it.
alice: (offering snacks): Nuts, Isaiah?
isaiah: I used to be, but I'm better now.
alice: Well, you must stay for dinner, dear. How do you like your potatoes?
bob: (brandishing a length of leather): Whipped.
alice: I'm talking to our guest.Isaiah?
bob: I'll bet you are, hotshot.
alice: I hope you like smoked ham, Isaiah.
isaiah: You can smoke a ham?
bob: I'm sure you could, Cheech.
isaiah: (squaring off with Bob): Is your ass always this red?
alice: (wearily): Yes, it matches his sweater.
bob: One of these days, Alice! To the moon!
(Suddenly, there's a loud banging on the door.)
bob: Hoosier? I mean, Who's there?
(A DISEMBODIED VOICE from beyond the door replies.)
voice: It's me! Your landlord! Myles Brand! Open up, Knight!
alice: (frantically whispering to Isaiah): Quick! Hide in the closet! We're not supposed to have tenants!
(As Isaiah disappears into the broom closet, Alice answers the door, revealing....)
myles: (stepping in and snooping around): I told you, Knight, one more strike and you're out.
bob: Now what did I do, Brand?
myles: Trash collector's complaining. You've put a Puerto Rican policeman in your garbage can.
alice: (throwing her hands up): Not again, Bob!
(As MYLES exits, Bob angrily bats the bowl of nuts. They scatter across the floor.)
alice: Who's gonna clean that up, Bob?
isaiah: (falling out of the closet with a vacuum cleaner): Me?
bob: Look--it's a Rider and a Hoover, two things famous for sucking.
isaiah: Knight, I've had enough of your potshots.
bob: You'd know all about pot....
isaiah: And you'd know all about shots. I mean, hunting accidents.
alice: (stepping between the two men): Don't you see? You two are exactly alike.
bob: (the scales falling from his eyes): We are.
isaiah: (getting teary-eyed): So ... I can stay?
bob: (hugging Isaiah): You can. But this is strange. For once, I'm the one getting ... choked up.
(CUE closing theme song.)
Now it's time to say goodbye to Bob and all his brood.
Sorry if Bob wings you while he's shootin' at some food.
You're all invited back again to this locality
To have a heapin' helpin' of this pair's hostility.
Knight-Rider style. Hit the snooze button, stay awhile.
There's a hoopful of laughs in this fact-based sitcom starring Bob Knight and Isaiah Rider--and a mystery landlord.