The Show

October 24, 2004

That's it. I'm suing Major League Baseball. They stole my idea for a T-shirt. Although mine said, WENDY SELIG-PRIEB, WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

Yanks rerout Sox dreams New York won Game 3, 19--8. By the eighth inning the Red Sox were out of pitchers and had to bring in a nickelback.

The Yankees' offense was so relentless, it makes you wonder if Curt Schilling's ankle tendon split, or escaped.

The final debate easily outdrew Game 2 of the ALCS. Did I get this wrong? Did President Bush say he believed home field advantage was a choice?

Red Sox chairman Tom Werner and Katie Couric have reportedly broken up. You know how it is. She wanted to go all the way, and he hasn't since 1918.

Tony La Russa says he'll work for free next season if the Cards win the World Series. What that means is he won't accept any money personally, he'll just send Dave Duncan out to get it.

Just wondering. Is Dodge the official sponsor of Steve Lyons's nonapology to Shawn Green?

NFL selects Don Mischer Productions to create Super Bowl halftime show Mischer has produced eight Emmy Awards. Great. That's just what we need at halftime: a dead actor montage.

Mischer produced the 1993 Super Bowl halftime show, which starred Michael Jackson. Of course 11 years ago it was legal to grab your crotch inside the five-yard chuck zone.

Meanwhile, I love this time of year. You get to see Norv Turner's face change colors.

The Eagles avenged last season's NFC Championship Game loss by trouncing the Panthers 30-8. Brutal day for Jake Delhomme. He threw four interceptions, was sacked twice and hurried six times by Donovan McNabb's mom.

Phil Simms does not want to broadcast any games involving the Buccaneers and his son Chris. Not to be outdone, John Madden has refused to ride Jerome Bettis.

Vikings running back Onterrio Smith was suspended four games for violating the league's substance abuse policy. However, Smith can cut the suspension in half if he makes his appeal to the league using Jamal Lewis's cellphone.

In recent interview Kobe says he misses Phil Jackson This is not my field, but I'm pretty sure the feeling isn't mutual.

In an upcoming book the former Lakers coach said he had to consult a therapist to deal with Bryant. Tough. After three sessions the shrink said, "Can't you give me something easier, like bed-wetting?"

The therapist was an expert in narcissism. In fact, his technique is known as the "I-angle offense."

The NBA played its first preseason games in China. Speaking of the Great Wall, any progress in the NHL labor talks?

David Stern claims that the league didn't make any money going to China. But that's only because they couldn't fit a Gatorade billboard on the side of Yao Ming.

BCS releases first rankings Are you like me? Are you waiting for the Swift Boat Veterans to attack USC's record?

Dream Job down to final five contestants They've changed the format this year. The winner gets a high-paying on-air job with ESPN, then is fired three weeks later for a racially insensitive remark.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Mel & Tim.

Bill Scheft sent Tiger and his new wife a set of fondue irons.

COLOR ILLUSTRATIONILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)