The Show

December 13, 2004

Am I wrong, or is Barry Bonds about to be credited with another walk?

Victor Conte plays Hard BALCO on 20/20 ABC News went a little overboard promoting the Conte interview. Did we really need John Stossel trimming his moustache into the shape of an asterisk?

And is it just me, or does Conte look like Mr. Whipple on andro?

In a recent magazine article Conte said he ended his relationship with Marion Jones because she would leave her human growth hormone behind in hotels. Which explains why in 2001 a chambermaid ran the 100 meters in 11.81 seconds.

Jason Giambi admitted to the grand jury he had used steroids. It gets worse. Turns out his intestinal parasite used to run errands for Barry Bonds's trainer.

Bonds testified that his trainer Greg Anderson spent most of the time living in his car. Nice car, though. I believe it was a Mercedes THG.

You can tell Barry's trainer's car: 50% more headroom.

Bonds claimed he was under the impression "the clear" was flaxseed oil. Flaxseed oil? Wait a minute. On top of everything else, steroids lower cholesterol?

Just like we started: It's USC-Oklahoma for No. 1 The BCS selection show was sponsored by Outback Steakhouse. Speaking of which, there's a new menu item at Outback: Screwed War Eagle.

Notre Dame will play in the Insight Bowl on Dec. 28. Of course, if something doesn't happen soon, they may change the name to the No Coach In Sight Bowl.

Urban Meyer passed on the chance to be head coach at South Bend for the Florida job. In the end it was a combination of money, academic standards and the fact that Notre Dame would not allow him to be called Pope Urban Meyer.

The Irish were not ready for this. Now they have to go to their backup choice, Pat O'Brien.

I'm talking about the dead actor, not the host of The Insider. He already turned the gig down.

Bears Q-Beat Vikings 24--14 Chad Hutchinson, Chicago's fourth starting quarterback this season, threw three TD passes. It was his best performance since a 2002 episode of Hard Knocks.

The Bears' coaching staff believes newly signed QB Jeff George is two weeks away from being able to see action. And 15 days away from disregarding whatever they say.

I was watching the Bears-Vikings game, and I thought Fox had added another one of those wacky sound effects. Turns out it was just Tony Siragusa chewing.

To give you an idea how bad the NFC is, the 2003 Tigers are still in the hunt for a wild-card spot.

Magic gives away 5,000 Dwight Howard marionettes It's the first time an NBA team has given away a marionette since the Wizards let Doug Collins go.

In an effort to boost attendance, the Nets are scheduling postgame concerts. The bands will perform for 30 minutes, then demand to play elsewhere by the trade deadline.

Denny Neagle cited for soliciting oral sex from a prostitute Finally, a feel-good baseball story.

NHL players begin to receive "lockout pay" from union war chest Each player gets up to $10,000 a month. You can take it in cash or scratch-off tickets.

ESPN launches cellphone service Unfortunately the technology is still six months away from perfecting a hands-free Tony Reali.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Molly Hatchet.

Bill Scheft drove the dessert pace cart at the NASCAR awards banquet.

COLOR ILLUSTRATIONILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)