Please welcome, one final time, that mysterious visitor from the East--seer, sage, soothsayer--Carnac the Magnificent, who will ascertain, in his divine and mystical way, the answers to your sports questions without ever having seen them. Are you ready, O Great One?
Carnac: May a love-starved fruit fly molest your sister's nectarines*.
Q: What does Red Auerbach do at the drive-in?
February 7, 2005
Q: How do you pay the person who cleans up after your dog?
A: Swimsuit issues.
Q: What does Rick Majerus have every summer?
A: Puff pastries.
Q: What does Ricky Williams try to do at Dunkin' Donuts?
Q: What do Cockney cats cough up?
A: A.J. Feeley.
Q: Name one reason not to stand near A.J. Foyt on the subway.
Q: What does Mia do when her husband is away?
A: Tedy Bruschi.
Q: List two things you see together at a Kennedy family picnic.
Q: What's the fastest way to bring down Barbra Streisand?
May a nearsighted sand fly suck the syrup off your short stack.
A: The can-can.
Q: Where does Bron-Bron go pee-pee?
Q: What do you say to the pilot for the New Orleans Hornets?
A: Around the horn.
Q: Where's the worst place to punch a rhino?
A: Brown-eyed girl.
Q: What did Kwame do while riding the bench?
A: Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
Q: Recite Moses Malone's scouting report on Jack Sikma.
A: Junior Seau.
Q: What does the younger Griffey do when you step on his foot?
A: The Cat in the Hat.
Q: What does Rickey Henderson call Pope John Paul II?
A: Karl Marx.
Q: What will Carmelo Anthony soon have across 90% of his body?
May a desert weirdo lower his figs into your mother's soup.
A: Puffy Combs.
Q: What does Randy Moss use on his Afro?
Q: What does a lonely ornithologist do?
A: Chubby Checker.
Q: Describe every NHL player after the lockout.
Q: What do you get after lending Don King 20 bucks?
A: W.C. Fields.
Q: What do Europeans call Flushing Meadows?
A: Barry Bonds.
Q: What's better advice for investors who put cash under the mattress?
Q: What do umps say to John Rocker when he slides under the tag at second?
May a sandstorm blow up during your vasectomy.
Q: What do Siamese twins do in Philadelphia?
A: Hey, Hey, Hey, Goodbye.
Q: What does Fat Albert say when leaving a room?
A: Fan clubs.
Q: What does Ron Artest keep in his trunk?
A: Minnie Driver.
Q: What did Corey Pavin lend to Ian Woosnam?
A: Tara Lipinski.
Q: What's the worst thing an athlete can do to his Lipinski?
(*Insults were originally uttered by Carnac himself, the late, great Johnny Carson. Godspeed, Carnac. May a weird holy man, a diseased yak and an unclean camel carry you into eternity.)
• For a collection of Steve Rushin's columns, go to SI.com/writers.
One final time, that mysterious visitor from the East will ascertain the answers to your sports questions without ever having seen them.