The Show

April 17, 2005

Good to be here. For those of you wishing to send a wedding gift to Charles and Camilla, be advised: They have enough coffeemakers, what they could really use is a Nok Hockey table.

Tiger is Sudden Def Woods won his fourth Masters, in a one-hole playoff over Chris DiMarco. And for the first time the alterations on his green jacket won't be made by Butch Harmon.

I was shocked by the final result. I kept waiting for one of those Butler Cabin fogeys to penalize Tiger two strokes for not wearing a collared shirt.

Give Chris credit. If he'd been any closer to Tiger he would have had to change his last name to DiMarcOmeara.

For the first time in three years the tournament had TV sponsors. Things are really starting to get back to normal at Augusta National. Next month Hootie Johnson is getting his local cable company to block the Oxygen network.

CBS used more than 50 cameras. One was set up on the 13th green inside one of Phil Mickelson's spike marks.

On Friday, Vijay Singh had course officials check the length of Mickelson's spikes in the middle of his round. That doesn't sound like Vijay. Perfecting his complaints for three hours on the practice tee before going to the officials--that sounds like Vijay.

Average price of MLB ticket up $1.26 Hey, those specimen cups don't grow on trees.

Baseball is really trying to make an example of Alex Sanchez, who was suspended for testing positive for a banned substance. During his suspension he's only allowed to watch C-SPAN.

Sanchez was desperate. First, he said he took the banned substance without knowing it, then he claimed somebody planted him in Lance Armstrong's hotel room.

By the way, this season all Angels home games will start 15 seconds later so the P.A. announcer can get in the full name of the team.

Due to a contractual dispute 2.4 million New Yorkers are not getting Mets games on cable. Ideally the situation will be resolved soon, and only appearances by the Mets' bullpen will be blacked out.

Dr. James Shortt planning to write a book on steroids and the NFL He's already got a publisher: Random Testing House.

People wonder why the media doesn't beat up on Paul Tagliabue over steroids as much as Bud Selig. Two reasons: 1) The NFL has had a punishment-based policy in effect for 15 years, and 2) it's a lot more fun to beat up on Selig.

Tagliabue endorsed the concept of a new stadium development for the Vikings. But only if Mike Tice is not in charge of seat licensing.

Eagles receiver Freddie Mitchell is one of several NFL players taking classes at Harvard Business School in a league-sponsored educational program. Good move. Because if there's one thing Harvard doesn't have enough of, it's people who like to hear themselves talk.

Filming begins on Venus and Serena Williams's reality show Exciting concept. Every week they vote off another outfit.

Madame Tussaud's wax museum in Las Vegas adds likeness of Andre Agassi And thanks to state-of-the-art technology the statue will slowly distance itself from the wax likeness of Barbra Streisand.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Hot Tuna.

Bill Scheft will soon be hosting an all-sports cliché show on satellite radio.

COLOR ILLUSTRATIONILLUSTRATION BY DREW FRIEDMAN

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)