Not a Pretty Site

March 20, 2006

Because Barry Bondsso despises the media, fans are often forced to go to his officialwebsite--BarryBonds.com--to find out how he feels about things. His sporadicpostings there are usually breezy and amazingly off-point, but lately they'vehad more of an edge to them. Now, with Bonds's world unraveling like a 29-centpot holder, we're pretty sure this is how this year's batch will go....

April 3, 2006

What's up, guys? Iguess by now you've all read that bunch of lies in that book those two geekswrote about me--Game of Shadows. Whatever.

These guys"allege" I took a whole Walgreen's full of performance-enhancing drugs,including insulin, EPO, HGH, a steroid called "Mexican beans," awoman's infertility drug and a drug used for cattle. They said the drugs havecaused me to be irritable and fly into rages. That's a bunch of crap. I'vealways been irritable. Hah!

Anyways, I'm notgoing to read it. Problem is, a lot of people are. Like, a lot of smart-aleckPadres fans today in our opener. Mooing me every time I came to the plate. Andthat sign in left saying, "Hey, Barry! No Grazing!" Very funny.

I don't care. Sure,some people have suggested that I just retire, just give it up and disappear,in order to save my dignity. But I'm not about that. I'm going to keep playinghard for my team, and who knows? Maybe I can break Babe Ruth's record (sevenmore!) and Hank Aaron's (48 more!). Anyway, I'll catch ya' later!

May 17, 2006

O.K., really, thesesportswriters are getting out of hand. You can't tell me that it just suddenlyoccurred to all 25,000 people in the stadium in Houston last night to pull outthat stupid book and pretend to read it at the exact same time I came to theplate.

And I think there'ssome baloney Oliver Stone crap going on with pitchers in this league. In mywhole career before, I got hit 93 times. This year already I've been hit 37!One jerk with the Rockies said, "I only hit the 'roided-up part of Barry.That pitch completely misses him in 1997!" Real clever.

The commissionersent some suit to investigate me. Why doesn't he investigate that?

July 28, 2006

You know what? Thisis really getting old. I don't know why I keep trying. No wonder I only havefive home runs this season. I can hardly sleep!

Like, in Pittsburghtonight, I have to look up in leftfield and see that some huge building leftenough office lights on to spell CHEAT. Real nice

And some guyholding up a sign the other night: "Barry, How's YourDiabetes/Narcolepsy/Pregnancy Doing?

And now AlbertPujols and Adrian Beltre are going around saying that if the commissionerreally is going to wipe out all my records, like people are saying, then theywant the MVP awards from the years they finished second to me. Why you gotta dome like that?

Oh, and to all youpeople in L.A. who came to the game wearing my jersey and helmets two sizes toosmall, I'm not laughing.

And I'm not goingto see the movie of the book, either. George Foreman playing me? What ajoke!

September 1,2006

To my fans,

I am retiring fromthe game of baseball immediately.

As you probablyknow, yesterday was a very bad day for me. First, Congress stepped in and gotbaseball to take my name out of the record books. Then, during the game inAtlanta, I got plunked by a pitch and I guess I just kind of snapped.

When I came to, Irealized I had two batboys in a headlock and the ump in a leglock, and threepolicemen and a popcorn guy were trying to make me stop. And I didn'tappreciate the Braves fans chanting, "Mad Cow! Mad Cow!"

But the worst cametoday, when that stupid judge sentenced me to a year in jail for tax evasion. Ijust couldn't believe it. I said, "Huh? A whole year?!"

And then he said,"Did I stutter?"

Oh, I gotta go now.The guards are taking my comput

• If you have acomment for Rick Reilly, send it to reilly@siletters.com.

RIFFS of REILLY

Exclusively on Verizon Wireless V CAST and SI.com.

There were a lot of smart-aleck Padres fans at today'sopener, mooing me every time I came to the plate. And that sign in left saying,"Hey, Barry! No grazing!"

Very funny.

PHOTOPETER READ MILLER

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)