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Regretlessly Yours

May 08, 2006
May 08, 2006

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May 8, 2006

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Regretlessly Yours

Stars can saveboatloads of legal fees with the first-ever Do It Yourself AthleticApology--the No-pology‚Ñ¢.

This is an article from the May 8, 2006 issue Original Layout

Star athletestend to get themselves in more hot water than Top Ramen. Last week alone KeithHernandez, Kenyon Martin and Delmon Young all had to do major damage controlfor bad behavior. ¶ But now, thanks to the discount law firm of Wheezle, Wangleand Dodge, stars can save boatloads of p.r. and legal fees with the first-everDo It Yourself Athletic Apology--the No-pology™. It's the best way to say"I'm sorry" without really meaning it. Try it next time you're busted!(Clear throat and read sincerely.)

THE NO-FAULT APOLOGY

Ladies andgentlemen, let me begin by saying I'm acutely aware of the accusations that I(pick from Menu A) . Let me state categorically and on the record that (onefrom Menu B) . What everybody involved needs to clearly understand is that(Menu C) . And I refuse to let the (Menu D) win. Still, if (Menu E) , then Iwould definitely like to take this opportunity to (Menu F) . But I'll tell youone thing, I (Menu G) . Peace. Out.

Menu AOFFENSES

• tested positivefor every chemical on the element chart

• insulted anentire (race/gender/religion)

• beat thebejesus out of that meter maid

• groped most ofthe Rockettes

• threatened tokneecap my coach

• kneecapped mycoach

Menu BEXCUSES

• I have norecollection of doing any of that

• it is what itis

• my meds wereway off

• that's just (myname) being (my

name)

• it was thearthritic rub

• I had to dosomething; they dissed my peeps

Menu CRATIONALIZATIONS

• people justbuild you up to knock you down

• things gotblown way out of proportion

• I didn't knowthat the damn thing

was loaded

• people shouldbe curing cancer, not

hassling me

• nobody would'vesaid a word if I were

(name differentrace)

• nobody told mecops can dress like hookers

Menu DSCAPEGOATS

• media

• haters

• liberals

• terrorists

• Girl Scouts

• voices in myhead

Menu E DISTANCINGPHRASE

• my actions weresomehow misinterpreted

• my T-shirt wastaken out of context

• people are thatPC

• one littleflag-burning offended the

mouth-breathers

• my RosieO'Donnell impression

botheredanybody

• the wildfireshave become a distraction

Menu FNO-POLOGY‚Ñ¢

• turn the pageand move forward

• in a way,apologize, up to a point-ish

• express regretthat it even happened

• feel bad forthese morons

• ask you whatyou want me to say

• leave it in(Jesus/Allah/Vishnu)'s hands

Menu G THE LASTWORD

• sure as hellain't apologizing to that nun

• will pick abatboy next time who can take a punch

• didn't evenknow those people were considered a minority

• won't ever ridemy Harley in Nordstrom again

• will nottorpedo any more Smirnoff/Zoloft shooters ever again

• had my fingerscrossed

A special thanksto the more than 6,000 readers who have donated so far to the Nothing But Netcampaign against malaria in Africa. At press time the program had received morethan $345,000. To help out, go to unfoundation.org/malaria.

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RIFFS of REILLY

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