THERE AREstatements you hear in sports all the time. We take 'em one game at a time. Youhear them so often you want to stick your head in a blender. I'll tell youwhat—he's just special. You hear them so often, you want to become aBenedictine monk just for the silence. Yeah, I ordered the pills, but I nevertook 'em.

But I'll bet aBuick to a bratwurst that the following sentences have never been uttered inthe history of the English language....

• All rise forJudge Strawberry!

• Tiger, I beatyou five ways, so you owe me $100.

• Barry Bonds isthe feel-good story of the year!

• Shaq, you shootthe technical.

• Sorry, Mr.Daly, we're out of the tofu.

• And the TeamCitizenship Award goes to ... the Cincinnati Bengals!

• You know who'dbe fun—Tom Coughlin!

• More pie, Mr.LaLanne?

• There's justnot much interest in Alabama football this season.

• And put alittle more mousse on Bradshaw.

• That JeffGordon is sure a good ol' boy.

• I'm sorry,could you speak up a little, Mr. Vitale?

• Darn, there areno tickets available for tonight's Atlanta Hawks game.

• Hey, Rulon,wait for me to get my snowshoes and I'll come with you.

• With a major onthe line and one hole to play, I want the club in Monty's hands.

• I'll say itagain—you'll never find a better teammate than T.O.

• Gramblinggraduates, it's my privilege to introduce your commencement speaker, Mr. DonImus!

• Please, CarlLewis, will you favor us with another song?

• Baby, while I'mgone this weekend, I've asked Tom Brady to stay with you.

• SWIMSUIT EXTRA:ROSIE O'DONNELL WEARING NOTHING BUT PAINT!

• So you'll begoing straight from work to the Raiders game?

• Thank God thatMike Tyson was there to calm things down.

• Look up theword class in the dictionary, and you'll see Bob Huggins's picture next toit.

• If anythinghappens to me, I want Don King to handle my estate.

• I'm sick of theNHL on every damn channel.

• And once again,a Harvard man has won here at Talladega.

• No way theYankees can afford him.

• That dynastybegan the day they hired Wade Phillips.

• And this isArmani's new, exclusive Bud Selig clothing line.

• I really missthe XFL.

• I'm so tired oflending Mitch Albom money.

• Shoot the damnball, Kobe!

• And right then,at that very moment, God spoke to me and said, "Why would I care about astupid field goal?"

• Isn't it abouttime Coach K got some credit?

• How 'bout themDevil Rays!

• To me, theproblem with baseball is the games don't last long enough.

• Welcome, fans,to the Brian Bosworth film festival.

• What a completejerk that Jim Nantz is.

• My problem is,I can't keep track of all the scoring in soccer.

• Rice footballdoesn't rebuild, it reloads!

• Nah, Barkleysays he doesn't want to go out tonight.

• Pacman forSenate!

• That's right,Ray Lewis, I called you a wuss.

• Do you havethat in a size 2 for Serena?

• Sorry, fellas,the only bid we got was the Aloha Bowl.

• Hi, Mr.Amaechi, and welcome to Hooters.

• Man, thatReilly just never writes a clunker!

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I'll bet you a Buick to a bratwurst that this sentencehas never been uttered in the history of the English language: Sorry, Mr. Daly,we're out of the tofu.

RIFFS of REILLY
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