The List

More sports issues on which Congress should hold hearings paid for by taxpayers
February 25, 2008

1 WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE MIDRANGE JUMPER?
Witness list includes Jack Sikma, Bernard King, Kiki Vandeweghe and Arlen Specter.

2 WAS ELI IN THE GRASP?
Committee will have to determine what definition of in is.

3 MARLINS' MALFEASANCE
They have two titles in 15 years? The Cubs have none in the last century? Somebody is lying.

4 HOW MANY ATHLETES ARE TAKING STEREOS?
Who misheard what, and when did they mishear it?

5 BEARS' QB FRAUD
Rick Mirer? Cade McNown? Craig Krenzel? Jonathan Quinn? Henry Burris? Rex Grossman?
Rep. Dan Burton says, "I'm not going to read any more of these names. This is really disgusting."

Simple Solution of the Week
KELVIN SAMPSON is being investigated at Indiana for alleged illegal recruiting calls. If the NCAA wants to stop this sort of behavior, here's what they need to do: Give coaches official NCAA cellphones and tell them that's the only way they can call recruits. The NCAA pays the bill—and gets a trail of every call a coach makes. If the coach misuses the phone, he's busted. If he calls a recruit from a different phone, he's busted. Yes, you're treating the coaches like children, but as they say in those cellphone ads, it's the plan that's right for them.

Caption You'll Never See

AT SPRING TRAINING Tommy Lasorda was overheard telling Joe Torre about his frustration at a lunch counter: "So I order a six-foot hero, and the guy says, 'What's that?' I say, 'It's like a regular hero, but it's six feet long.'?"

PHOTOHANS DERYK/REUTERS (TORRE AND LASORDA) PHOTOAL MESSERSCHMIDT/WIREIMAGE.COM (KING) PHOTONAM Y. HUH/AP (GROSSMAN)

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