Unconventional Wisdom

With the Democratic and Republican conventions in the news, here's our vision of a golf world governed by the political parties' respective platforms.
August 31, 2008

If the PGA Tour were run by the ...

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REPUBLICANS DEMOCRATS
Commissioner Condi Rice Keith Olbermann
Headquarters Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla. Burlington, Vt.
Official Vehicle Hummer Prius
Majors • Charlton Heston Memorial
• Ozone Hole Open
• Ayn Rand Rich Pro--Richer Am
• San Francisco Very Mixed Four-ball
• Fair Trade Coffee Match Play
• The Entitlement Open
New Rules Unlimited clubhead size Clintons (unlimited mulligans)
Course Feature Flagsticks replaced by oil derricks Fairway wind farms
Purse Structure 1st: $1.4 million*
2nd: $1 million
3rd: $750,000
4th: $500,000
5th and below: $0
1st: $5,675
2nd: $5,674
3rd: $5,673
4th: $5,672
5th and below: $5,671
Slogan "These Guys Are Good and You're Not, So Suck on It" "These Guys Would Be Even Better If They Got a Federal Skills-Development Grant"

*100% tax deductible

PHOTOAKRAM SALEH/EPA/CORBIS (RICE) PHOTOFRANK TRAPPER/CORBIS (OLBERMANN) PHOTOBURKE/TRIOLO PRODUCTIONS/BRANDX/CORBIS (CHEESE) PHOTODANI WINSTON/TRANSTOCK/CORBIS (HUMMER) PHOTOJOHN HILLERY/REUTERS/CORBIS (PRIUS) PHOTOMATTHIAS KULKA/ZEFA/CORBIS (PUMP) PHOTOMASAHIKO TAIRA/AMANAIMAGES/CORBIS (PINWHEEL)

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)