You Can't Make This Stuff Up

No, you really can't. From a point guard's fruit-related injury to a third baseman's wimpy delivery, it's been another sublime year for the ridiculous
December 29, 2008

That's why theycall it a team support

Yankees sluggerJason Giambi admitted that he wears a gold lamé thong to get out of hittingslumps. Derek Jeter confirmed that he also donned the slump buster, as didJohnny Damon. "I was 0 for 32 and hit a homer on the first pitch," saidJeter. "That's the only time I've ever worn it."

That's Mark witha k, Reynolds with an e

Mark Reynolds,the Arizona Diamondbacks' third baseman, led the major leagues in bothstrikeouts (204, an alltime record) and errors (34).

And you thoughtFederer was a master of spin

Returning from atwo-year doping suspension, Sesil Karatancheva of Bulgaria remarked, "I wasthe one that had the longest penalty in the history of women's tennis.... Ihold the record. You know it's good to hold records, no matter what. There'snothing to be sad about, really."

And our dumplingsare ABORT RETRY FAIL

A Beijingrestaurant, preparing for English-speaking Olympics fans, ran its name througha translation website and put the result above the door: TRANSLATE SERVERERROR.

Nice grab. Lovedyou in Clerks II

After Pantherstight end Dante Rosario caught a game-winning touchdown pass to beat San Diegoon Sept. 7, Fox Sports, broadcasting the game, ran a graphic informing viewersthat the catch had been made by Rosario Dawson.

Setting therecord straight

The AmericanFamily Association has rigged its websites so the word gay is automaticallyreplaced with the word homosexual. Hence, an AP story picked up by the AFA siteOne News Now about an American sprinter's victory began, "Tyson Homosexualeasily won his semifinal for the 100 meters at the U.S. Olympic track and fieldtrials."

He then passed onthe name of his defense lawyer to Plaxico Burress

A Helsinki courtfined former NHL defenseman Jere Karalahti $1,900 after finding him guilty ofusing cocaine last year. Karalahti told the court that it was possible that hehad used the drug, but that he couldn't be certain because at the time he wasdrunk.

Close call. Theother option was sending him to Triple A

Astros pitcherShawn Chacon, angered at being demoted to the bullpen, grabbed G.M. Ed Wade bythe neck and threw him to the ground.

Thus earninghimself a demotion to the Astros' bullpen

Cuban taekwondoathlete Angel Valodia Matos, a gold medal winner at Sydney in 2000, wasdisqualified from a match at the Beijing Games. Angry at the decision (fortaking too long for an injury timeout), Matos ran at the referee, ChakirChelbat of Sweden, kicked him in the face and spat on the mat as he was seizedby security.

That spoiled hisbig plans to swap Nowitzki for Soriano

Mark Cuban'sefforts to buy the Cubs hit a snag when he was indicted by federal authoritiesfor insider trading. (Cuban denies the government's claims.)

In fairness theBulgarians did pull their goalie kinda early

In a qualifyingmatch for the 2010 Olympics, Slovakia's women's ice hockey team defeatedBulgaria 82--0.

On the plus side,Keanu Reeves's production company snapped up the film rights

Fans of theArgentine soccer team Chacarita were so desperate to get to a game on time thatthey hijacked two buses and forced the drivers at knifepoint to go faster.

Funny, Yankeesfans recognize these symptoms each September

Third basemanAlex Rodriguez's wife, Cynthia, told the YES network last spring that herhusband passed out during the birth of their first daughter: "In betweenpushing I'm going, 'Honey, are you O.K.' One nurse had a cold cloth on hishead. The other nurse had the blood pressure on his arm. And my mother wasrubbing his back."

And, at mile 125,he can see dead people

"When I getto mile 75 of a 150-mile race and I'm completely trashed," ultramarathonerDavid Goggins told Runner's World, "that's the only way I can see whatDavid Goggins is all about."

The waitress saidit was par for the course

John Daly, atwo-time majors winner, was found drunk and unconscious outside a Hooters.

From now on, he'splaying it safe and rooting for the Sacramento NBA team

An 18-year-oldMoroccan was arrested for "disrespect for the kingdom's nationalmotto." The motto is God, Homeland and the King, but Yassine Belassalwrote, "God, Homeland and Barça" on a school chalkboard, expressing hisfondness for soccer's FC Barcelona. (He received a one-year suspendedsentence.)

No fowl, noharm

An Ohio courtruled that the Double A Dayton Dragons were not liable for injuries suffered bya fan who was struck by a foul ball while watching the antics of the San Diegochicken.

And both arecapable at any moment of spontaneous combustion

Asked his valuein the free-agent market after he helped lead the Dodgers to the postseason,slugger Manny Ramirez gleefully remarked, "Gas is up and so am I."

So much for thatbit about keeping the doctor away

Bulls rookieDerrick Rose needed 10 stitches after cutting his forearm on a knife he hadused to slice an apple in his bed.

You should seehis bill at the Fancy Man store

In a lawsuitfiled in Chicago, the clothing store Casual Male alleges that Knicks centerEddy Curry ran up a tab of more than $41,000. Two years later it remainsunpaid.

Necessitating yetanother bailout

Corey Waldrop hadto be rescued during a preliminary round of the ESPN Bassmaster Elite seriescompetition when his fishing boat stalled on Lake Erie and began taking onwater.

FIVE ILLUSTRATIONSIllustrations by Jeff Wong

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)