This is an article from the Dec. 28, 2009 issue
Tennis vixen, when asked about her love life at a press conference to promote the undergarments she endorses: "I'm not here to talk about my personal life. I'm here to talk about bras."
—July 3, 2000
After being told he had tied Joe DiMaggio with his 361st career home run: "That's the guy whose girlfriend was Marilyn Monroe?"
—July 24, 2000
A Celtics charter flight was delayed for two hours because of smoke emanating from steaks sizzling in the galley.
—Nov. 20, 2000
Basketball coach at Division II North Dakota, on motivating his players before a game with No. 4--ranked Kansas: "I told our guys, 'They put their pants on the same way we do. They just pull them up two feet higher.'"
—Nov. 27, 2000
Loveland (Colo.) High football coach John Poovey was suspended after his players were found to have smeared their jerseys with Pam nonstick cooking spray to become harder to block and tackle.
—Nov. 12, 2001
George W. Bush
Upon meeting Diamondbacks general manager Joe Garagiola Jr.: "I'm always suspicious of guys who've got a famous father."
—Jan. 7, 2002
Cubs radio broadcaster, while interviewing Chicago reliever Antonio Alfonseca, who has six fingers on each hand: "Were you born that way?"
—April 15, 2002
Falcons quarterback, on the secret of his success: "I have two weapons—my legs, my arm and my brains."
—Nov. 18, 2002
A woman is suing a Lexington, Ky., surgeon who is a Kentucky sports booster for cauterizing UK onto her uterus before removing it in a hysterectomy.
—Feb. 10, 2003
Pacers center, on the team's recent struggles: "It's not going to be peaches and gravy all the time."
—March 3, 2003
Titans offensive coordinator, on why he has never been a candidate for an NFL head coaching job. "They're looking for big names, not long names."
—Feb. 23, 2004
Dennis Rodman sold his Newport Beach, Calif., home because he felt his neighbors partied too much.
—May 31, 2004
Red Sox manager, on infielder Kevin Youkilis (below), called the Greek God of Walks in the book Moneyball: "I've seen him in the shower, and I wouldn't call him the Greek god of anything."
—Aug. 16, 2004
Steelers backup cornerback, after being given the chance to start in one of the team's exhibition games: "You only get a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity so many times."
—Sept. 13, 2004
Goodyear paid Pistons guard Richard Hamilton to braid his hair in the tread pattern of one of its tires.
—Feb. 14, 2005
English snooker player Jimmy White legally changed his name to James Brown so he could call himself the Godfather of Snooker.
—Feb. 28, 2005
Mets outfielder, dismissing the problems caused by the sun at Shea Stadium: "The sun has been there for 500, 600 years."
—Aug. 1, 2005
Dodgers outfielder, on his legacy: "I want people to say Milton Bradley was a pretty good ballplayer and a pretty good person. Anybody who is going to stand between me getting there, then they need to be eliminated."
—Sept. 5, 2005
Baylor football coach, on tight games: "Playing close is like showering with your sister. It's no good."
—Oct. 10, 2005
A man who pleaded guilty to charges of robbery and intent to kill asked to have three years added to his 30-year sentence so his prison term would match Larry Bird's jersey number.
—Oct. 31, 2005
To FHM, on why he doesn't go to the gym: "They won't let me smoke in there."
—March 20, 2006
A pin position at the rain-delayed PGA Memorial Tournament had to be changed because someone had defecated in the cup during the night.
—June 12, 2006
Giants running back, upon hearing that Terrell Owens was writing a children's book called Little T Learns to Share: "He may be drawing on someone else's experiences."
—Nov. 6, 2006
Ducks winger, on hockey's popularity in Anaheim: "It's not like back home in Finland or even Canada, where girls wanted my leftover chicken bones from a meal I ate."
—Nov. 27, 2006
Two Boise, Idaho, skating-rink employees were fired for making a late-night run to a Burger King drive-through in the rink's Zambonis.
—Dec. 4, 2006
Mariners G.M., after Marlins president David Samson criticized the $90 million extension Seattle gave Ichiro Suzuki: "My mother always taught me that if the only thing you have to say is, 'Screw Dave Samson,' then don't say anything at all. So I'm not going to say anything at all."
—July 23, 2007
Dolphins linebacker, before the team's game in London against the Giants: "I couldn't find London on a map if they didn't have the names of the countries.... I don't know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot.... I know London Fletcher. He's black, so I'm sure he's not from London. I'm sure that's a coincidental name."
—Nov. 5, 2007
Russian tennis player, on the similarities between his homeland and the U.S.: "We both owned Alaska at one point."
—Dec. 17, 2007
Celtics coach, after being asked how long Kevin Garnett would be out with a strained abdominal muscle: "You know Doc's a nickname, correct?"
—Feb. 11, 2008
The oldest living former major leaguer (Werber, who was 100, passed away in 2009), on today's players: "The hair's too long. Their beards are too evident. They're a grubby-looking bunch of caterwaulers."
—July 28, 2008
The city of Kannapolis, N.C., took down flags honoring native son Dale Earnhardt because Martha Stewart was coming to town.
—Aug. 18, 2008
Former Steelers running back Franco Harris is selling a line of furniture called the Immaculate Collection.
—Feb. 9, 2009
A high school basketball coach in Kansas was ordered by his school board to stop having his players hypnotized.
—Feb. 16, 2009
Explaining to The Times of London why he turned to boxing as a youngster: "I had a fear of humiliation, and pulverizing an opponent was one way to banish those fears."
—April 13, 2009
A bodybuilding competition in the Netherlands was canceled after all of the competitors fled when drug testers arrived.
—June 8, 2009
Newly inducted Hall of Famer, on why he had someone help him write the speech he gave in Cooperstown: "Speech and me don't even get along sometimes."
—Aug. 3, 2009
Soccer, Just For Kicks
Citing the sport's role in "creating understanding between people," a Swedish legislator nominated soccer for the 2001 Nobel Peace Prize.
—Jan. 29, 2001
To preempt hooliganism during the World Cup, a Japanese railroad company glued down the stones that line the tracks near Shizuoka soccer stadium.
—June 3, 2002
The physical exam David Beckham (above) took when he signed with Real Madrid was broadcast on pay-per-view TV in Spain.
—July 14, 2003
Arsenal goalkeeper Manuel Almunia was excused from practice to rush home to his wife, who said she had seen a ghost.
—March 3, 2008
A British club soccer game was disrupted when a parrot brought by a fan started imitating the referee's whistle.
—Feb. 2, 2009
A player on the English club Chorlton Villa received a yellow card for breaking wind as an opponent took a penalty kick.
—May 11, 2009
Ichiro's Greatest Hits
On facing Red Sox pitcher and countryman Daisuke Matsuzaka: "I hope he arouses the fire that's dormant in the innermost recesses of my soul. I plan to face him with the zeal of a challenger."
—April 23, 2007
On Seattle's trip to play the Indians: "I'm not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to. If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face because I'm lying."
—June 25, 2007
On why he ran out of the baseline to escape a potential rundown: "I hate being touched by other people. I'd rather run away from them."
—Sept. 17, 2007
Explaining to The New York Times his thoughts on the notion that "chicks dig the long ball": "Chicks who dig home runs aren't the ones who appeal to me. I think there's sexiness in infield hits because they require technique. I'd rather impress the chicks with my technique than with my brute strength. Every now and then, just to show I can do that too, I might flirt a little by hitting one out."
—Sept. 7, 2009