NOT: NORTHSIDE SLIDE

Want to hear a joke? The Chicago Cubs. (Rim shot.) Swept by the D-Backs over the weekend, they have the worst record in baseball (24--48) and have been outscored by 70 runs so far in 2012. More cutthroat analysis: Baseball Prospectus puts their current playoff odds at precisely 0.0%.

HOT: SUPER MARIOS

Chalmers (below) helped the Heat win a crucial Game 4 with 25 points; and Gomez is tied for the scoring lead (three, despite sitting a game) at Euro 2012, where Balotelli shelved his prickly alter ego long enough to slot a PK past his Man City mate, England GK Joe Hart, and advance Italy to the semis.

NOT: BLUE MEN GROUP

Much ado about nothing? After all the transfer talk, Boise State, with its Smurf turf, may be staying in the Mountain West after all, as reports say that the exit fee is too pricey for the school to take on. In other azure news: The ATP said the Madrid Open's blue clay won't return in 2013.

HOT: YES WE CAIN

San Fran ace Tim Lincecum is struggling (2--8 with a 6.07 ERA), but no worries: Matt Cain (below)—who threw a perfect game on June 13—and Madison Bumgarner have been huge for the Giants, who were 40--33 through Monday. The duo is 8--0 in June with a 2.14 ERA and 78 K's in 712/3 innings.

NOT: JAWBREAKER

Former welterweight world champ Victor Ortiz (below) had his jaw busted by Jesesito Lopez in the ninth round of their fight last Saturday and needed a trip to the hospital for excessive bleeding. Lopez, who won on a TKO, showed no sympathy, declaring, "I have a big heart. Victor has no heart."

PHOTOBRIAN CAHN/ZUMAPRESS.COM (ORTIZ) PHOTOED SZCZEPANSKI/US PRESSWIRE (CAIN) PHOTOROBERT BECK (BOISE STATE PLAYER) PHOTOGREG NELSON (CHALMERS) PHOTOBENNY SIEU/US PRESSWIRE (CUB)

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)