1. RENO HIGHTOWER
This is an article from the April 29, 2013 issue
The Best of Times
The hair, the smile, the cannon arm, the white shoes. A potential franchise QB with an alltime name.
Decision-making (while it worked out, trusting any character played by Robin Williams to make a big catch is questionable). Balky knees.
Johnny Unitas, with an epic mullet and the ability to tune an engine.
2. FLASH GORDON
(Sam J. Jones)
Onetime Jets savior displayed precise arm in dropping Emperor Ming's henchmen. Forward-thinking re: self-promotion (wears "Flash" shirt, even off the field). Protects Earth from evil.
Romantic two-timing (Dale Arden, Princess Aura) evidence of indecisiveness.
Onetime Jets savior Tim Tebow.
3. PAUL CREWE
The Longest Yard (1974)
Scrambling. Chest hair. Shows team-building skills in recruiting other cons for Mean Machine. Notoriously accurate, especially when targeting prison guards' private parts.
History of point shaving is a red flag.
Mark Sanchez for looks; Joe Namath for ability; Art Schlichter for the company he keeps.
4. DAVID GREENE
Runs the read-option to perfection. Excellent dancer. Adheres strictly to honor codes. Brains got him to Ivy League.
Steals teammate's girlfriend, the type of behavior that will poison a locker room. Public dancing could turn into public embarrassment in age of cellphone cameras. QBs with his name have historically flopped.
Jay Fiedler, for academics if not ability.
5. JOHNNY UTAH
Quick hands (can catch a Rottweiller mid-stride). Unchanging expression suggests unflappability (or perhaps just bad acting).
The knee (can plant and throw but cannot chase down culprit in tuxedo). Recklessness (jumps out of a plane without a parachute).
Rob Johnson, with more civic responsibility.
6. JOE PENDLETON
Heaven Can Wait
Movie-star looks. Can return from the dead.
Indecisiveness—pick a body and let's move on.
A clairvoyant Vince Ferragamo.
7. WILLIE BEAMEN
Any Given Sunday
Confidence to shoot a music video two starts into his career.
A bit soft: booting all over the field is not cool. And when Lawrence Taylor lectures you for being out on the town, you may have a self-control problem.
Donovan McNabb for the throwing-up thing, Vince Young for the shirtless-at-the-club thing.
8. SETH MAXWELL
North Dallas Forty
Bounce-back-ability: Can play full game after a night hot tubbing with groupies.
Failure to stick up for best friend, teammate Phil Elliott, betrays a certain selfishness.
Character was based on Don Meredith, so we'll say Don Meredith.
9. BIRD WILLIAMS
Throws beautiful deep ball. Works comfortably with female coaches. Can easily obtain video equipment for film staff.
Petty theft and fencing stolen goods to teammates are likely violations of NFL morals clause.
Steve Young, if Young were a kleptomaniac. If.
10. JIMMY DIX
The Last Boy Scout
Cross-generational appeal (NFL has-been lands a young Halle Berry). Rocks those leather pants.
Self-loathing. Substance abuse. Point shaving.
None, really. Few pro QBs wear leather pants.
11. FRANK CUSHMAN
Talent had Broncos and Chargers salivating. Guitar playing.
Football father might micromanage him into obscurity. Don Meredith aside, SMU has lousy NFL QB track record. Only knows one song.
A top overall pick engineering a move away from the Chargers to the Broncos evokes shades of Eli Manning and John Elway.
12. SHANE FALCO
Adaptability (boat washer--turned-QB). Quick-drive capacity (makes it from boat to stadium in the space of halftime).
Lacks confidence—except when it comes to asking out cheerleaders, a clear violation of team rules.
1987 replacement QB Sean Payton.
13. RONNIE (SUNSHINE) BASS
Remember The Titans
Great hair. Cannon arm. Toughness of a young Bert Jones (upends star nose tackle from Groveton). Kiss on teammate shows refreshingly progressive attitude.
Cannot run the pitch-option. Buckles when confronted by coach.
A rich man's Blaine Gabbert.
All the Right Moves
Comes from western Pa., a QB hotbed. Great deep ball. Better nickname.
Refusal to audible away from clearly terrible play call (i.e., a handoff in a torrential downpour when taking a knee would suffice).
Randall Cunningham's arm; Joe Pisarcik's game management.
15. JONATHAN MOXON
(James Van Der Beek)
Always on toes. Sitting behind Lance Harbor, you have clipboard duty written all over you—but Mox was ready.
Passed on a whipped-cream-clad Ali Larter. Chose Brown instead of walking on at Texas and having an Applewhite-ish career.
A WB version of Frank Reich.
16. PAUL BLAKE
Overcomes fact that best blocker is two-way lineman Sinbad.
Makes Brandon Weeden look young. Not smart enough to stay out of bar brawl with Texas jarhead. Glacial foot speed.
An even slower Greg Landry.
17. JOE KINGMAN
The Game Plan
Proves to be standup guy when eight-year-old daughter arrives out of nowhere.
Size, skill set seem better suited to defensive line (or professional wrestling).
Jim Druckenmiller—too much time in the weight room.
18. CAP ROONEY
Any Given Sunday
Cagey veteran. Fictional accolades too many to enumerate.
Back and backbone. An injury to the former opened the door for Willie Beamen. Lack of the latter kept him from standing up to social-butterfly wife.
Tom Brady with a less-awesome spouse.
19. JOE KANE
Catch phrase—"Let's put the women and children to bed and go looking for dinner"—has clear marketability.
Self-destructive. Father issues. Susceptible to SI cover jinx.
An even more messed-up Schlichter.
20. JOHNNY WALKER
(Anthony Michael Hall)
Johnny Be Good
Survives entire film alongside young, pre-rehab Robert Downey Jr. Past that, none.
Cocky. Corruptible. Lacks comedic skills. Universally disliked (film has a 0% score at Rotten Tomatoes).
None: He'd be ruled ineligible before taking a snap.
CASE FOR THE DEFENSE
NFL DEFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR J.J. WATT TAKES ON HOLLYWOOD PASSERS
Which QB would you get the biggest thrill out of sacking?
The guy from Dallas Carter High in the Friday Night Lights movie. I'd hit him so hard, it'd knock the sucker right out of his coach's mouth. Go, MOJO!
Are there any who'd give you a hard time?
None. I can tell you who I wouldn't have trouble with: the Georgia Tech QB in Rudy. He seemed to go down pretty easy.
Which fictional team would you want to play for?
Remember the Titans? Julius Campbell and I would've made a mean one-two punch.
You need a female co-star—who's it going to be?
Jennifer Aniston. Franchise pick.
Know anyone else who'd make a good Hollywood player?
Two of my Texans teammates: [Tackle] Shaun Cody has movies written all over him, and I could see [center] Ben Jones being on Duck Dynasty.
Pick an agent: Jerry Maguire or Bob Sugar.
Sugar was shady. Jerry was all off-field drama. I'll stick with mine.
And this being Hollywood, you need a catch phrase....
To quote a great American hero from the newsroom at Ball State University: "Boom goes the dynamite!"
For more Hollywood QB coverage—including celebrities' picks and video of Paul Pabst and Andrew Perloff debating their lists—go to extramustard.si.com