Unreal Life

September 02, 2013

Fake feeds in the Twitterverse

The return of reliever Brian Wilson to the majors—he made his Dodgers debut on Aug. 22—led to an increase in action on the Twitter account @BeardOfBrian. How does it stack up against other inanimate sports feeds?

TOM BRADY'S EGO(@TomBradysEgo)

The self-image of the Patriots QB has 24,309 followers. Style: Snarky. Sample: Looks like Geno Smith watching Mark Sanchez in practice is really starting to pay off.

Rating:

PEYTON'S HEAD(@PeytonsHead)

The noggin of Broncos QB Peyton Manning has 77,977 followers. Style: Prolific, pop-culture-heavy. Sample: #VMAs Roger Goodell was so impressed with Justin Timberlake, he's been invited to perform at Super Bowl LXXVIII in 2044.

Rating:

QUENNEVILLE'S STACHE(@CoachQsMustache)

The soup strainer of Blackhawks coach Joel Quenneville has 18,093 followers. Style: Largely interactive, hirsute. Sample: @mikekozek13 I'm sorry, this mustache doesn't speak Latin.

Rating: (out of four)

LEBRON'S HEADBAND(@Lebrons_HB)

The king's cotton crown has 2,865 followers. Style: Dormant (six tweets, none since the Finals). Sample: Lebron scored 16 points without me. Please take me back

Rating:

RAFA'S KNEES(@RafasKnees)

The creaky joints of Rafael Nadal have 994 followers. Style: Informative. Sample: Waiting to find out if I'm injured. Stay tuned.

Rating:

POP CULTURE GRID...

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What athletes are thinking Funniest person you know App you can't live without Song you can't stop singing Best nickname a coach ever gave you First celebrity crush Movie you watch every time it's on TV
Serena Williams Sascha Bajin Mobli "Against All Odds" by Phil Collins Meek Chris (Mack Daddy) White Forrest Gump
Dax McCartyRed Bulls, M Stephen Keel Seamless "Wake Me Up" by Avicii None worth mentioning Kelly Kapowski The Shawshank Redemption
Tiffany HayesAtlanta Dream, G Armintie Herrington Instagram "Fashion Killa" by A$AP Rocky Silent Assassin Bow Wow Titanic

+ Bajin is Williams's hitting partner, Herrington is a Dream guard and Keel is a former teammate of McCarty's. "He likes to dumb the soccer language down as literal as you can possibly go," says McCarty. "He always refers to training as 'soccer kicking practice.' For some reason, whenever he says that, it's the funniest."

+ "An AAU coach gave me that," says Hayes, who is averaging 11.6 points, "because I'm being effective even when you don't see it."

They Said It

"I had to Google 'existential crisis.' It was an existential crisis."

Jayson Werth

Nationals rightfielder, after being frozen by a 57-mph eephus pitch from Carlos Villanueva of the Cubs on Aug. 21. Werth, who had homered on a 94-mph fastball in his previous plate appearance, flew out two pitches later.

EXTRA MUSTARD ON SI.COM

To get up close with Khris Davis, this week's breakout performer presented by Schick, go to SI.com/breakout

FIVE PHOTOSTWITTER.COM TWO PHOTOSSIMON BRUTY/SPORTS ILLUSTRATED (WERTH, WILLIAMS) TWO PHOTOSEVERETT COLLECTION (FORREST GUMP, KAPOWSKI) PHOTOTOSHIFUMI KITAMURA/AFP/GETTY IMAGES (NINJA) PHOTOINSTAGRAM (INSTAGRAM) PHOTOSCOTT CUNNINGHAM/NBAE/GETTY IMAGES (HAYES) PHOTOJULIO CORTEZ/AP (MCCARTY) FOURTEEN ILLUSTRATIONS

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)