Strange Days, Indeed

Dec. 30, 2013
Dec. 30, 2013

Table of Contents
Dec. 30, 2013
The Way They Were

  • The soon-to-be-demolished Candlestick Park wasn't much to look at. It could be bone-chillingly cold, and the bay breezes that blew through were anything but soothing. But for those, like the author, willing to wrap themselves in a blanket and brave the unfriendly aesthetics, the drafty house was a home.


Strange Days, Indeed

If this look back at 2013's oddest moments teaches us anything, it's that golf course porta-potties are even more dangerous than we thought

In Dark Moments He Would Weigh the Ferns, Accompanied by a Drum Roll

This is an article from the Dec. 30, 2013 issue

In October, after a series of financial setbacks, former star pitcher Curt Schilling put the entire contents of his Massachusetts home up for auction. The items included a drum set, bathroom scales and artificial plants.

Postgame Air Kisses Are O.K., Though

Kentucky's high school athletic association issued a directive advising teams not to organize postgame handshake lines, citing the fact that in the past three years, such lines have led to more than two dozen fights.

But the Cowboys' D Was Still Burning Bad Gasoline

According to a Wall Street Journal blog post, Cowboys games at AT&T Stadium can consume up to 10 megawatts of energy, more than is used in three hours by the 3.7 million residents of Liberia.

Beast a Burden

A high school runner in Whitley County, Ky., was set to compete in a regional cross-country meet when she was assigned the bib number 666, "the number of the beast" according to the Bible. Codie Thacker and her coach appealed unsuccessfully for a new number, so she decided not to race. "I didn't want to risk my relationship with God," she said.

AKA Water

The Blackhawks sold $99 vials of melted ice from their United Center rink after the team won the Stanley Cup last June.

And So They Should Wear 666 on Their Sleeves

A company called Evil Enterprises set out in 2008 to market a line of baseball-related products trademarked as "Baseballs Evil Empire." But after challenges from Major League Baseball and the Yankees, a panel of trademark judges ruled last February, "There is only one Evil Empire in baseball, and it is the New York Yankees."

They Decided Against 'The Ankle-Biters'

The ballots have been counted: The name for the Padres' new AAA affiliate, located in Texas, is the El Paso Chihuahuas.

They Deliver, You Know

Lions receiver Nate Burleson broke his arm on a Michigan highway after he lost control of his car while trying to keep a pizza on the passenger seat from falling to the floor.

Maybe They Should Change Their Name to the Chihuahuas

The Sept. 14 game in Houston between the Astros and the Angels had a 0.04 Nielsen rating on CSN—that's roughly 1,000 viewers.

The Pike Were Exonerated

A Minnesota man was sentenced to seven days in jail after pleading guilty to cheating in an ice-fishing tournament last February. Alfred (Tom) Mead, 72, told the court that he had brought two live pike to a fishing derby, to pass them off as catches from the event. The tourney's top prize was a $10,000 ice-fishing house.

Rather'd Be Known for Other Things

Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens coach John Harbaugh confirmed a TMZ report that wide receiver Jacoby Jones was hurt in a brawl on a party bus in the early morning hours of Sept. 23 when he was hit over the head by a stripper wielding a champagne bottle. Confessed Harbaugh, "It's not something we want to be known for."

The Almighty's Never Been Much of a Jags Fan

A survey by the Public Religion Research Institute last January found that 27% of Americans believe that God "plays a role in determining which team wins" sports events.

The 1950 NL Champion Phillies Were the Whiz Kids

Philadelphia's top minor league affiliate debuted what it calls a "urinal gaming system." The Lehigh Valley IronPigs' men's restrooms were fitted with a video display mounted above each urinal. When a fan approaches, the console senses his presence and switches into gaming mode. Fans can control the play on the screen by aiming left or right.

Freed Byrd

On the day the Mets were giving out 500 Marlon Byrd T-shirts as part of a promotion, the team traded the rightfielder to the Pirates.

Soy Vey

Former 49ers tackle Kwame Harris was arrested for felony assault after a dispute with his former boyfriend in a Menlo Park, Calif., restaurant. Prosecutors said Harris had become incensed when Dimitri Geier tried to put soy sauce on a plate of rice during dinner. Tensions escalated when Harris also accused his former housemate of stealing his underwear.

His Bite Was Worse Than His Bark, Only Partly Due to Not Having a Bark

During spring training in Arizona, Brewers GM Doug Melvin was finishing dinner when his wife noticed a bug moving across the floor. As Melvin tried to squash it with a tissue, he was bitten—by what turned out to be an Arizona bark scorpion. As his arm went numb, he arranged to be sped to an emergency room for several hours of treatment.

The Croc Heard There Was a Meth Lab on the Course

A Scotsman named Dougie Thomson was playing golf in Canc√∫n when he was attacked by a crocodile as he set up to hit a shot from a bunker. The reptile sprang from undergrowth and clamped down on Thomson's leg. Only after friends swatted the creature with their clubs and drove over it in a golf cart did it release its grip, allowing Thomson to be freed. As Thomson, 58, told the Daily Mirror, "Initially only two of us were going golfing. If that had happened, there is no way [only] one friend could have helped. It would have pulled me into the lagoon and had me for supper."

P. 16


Ice in L.A.

P. 17

Go Figure

P. 18

Extra Mustard

P. 20

Faces in the Crowd

P. 22

Dan Patrick

Brian Hartline

P. 24

The Case for

Ryan Miller

ILLUSTRATIONILLUSTRATION BY GARY LOCKEILLUSTRATIONILLUSTRATION BY GARY LOCKEBig Night for Dancing Bear Fans on hand for Game 3 of the NLCS at Dodger Stadium were entertained by a man in a bear suit, dancing atop the Cardinals' dugout. The fun ended when security detained him—Los Angeles does not have a mascot.ILLUSTRATIONILLUSTRATION BY GARY LOCKEWalter White Having Just Birdied No. 5 Drug agents defused a working mini meth lab found inside a porta-potty on a golf course in Purcell, Okla.