Bartolo Colon takes the mound against the Rangers in early July.
Dickey: Bartolo Colon is fat. Let's start with that.
Page: This, I think, is not disputed.
Dickey: But by fat-man standards he does not have a jolly mien.
Page: He's more sly than jolly. He's laughing at you.
Dickey: We signed him for two whole years. He turned 41 in May.
Page: He'll probably last two more weeks. Here's Shin-Soo Choo, the guy the Mets would have signed if they weren't broke, hitting against Bartolo Colon, the guy we did get.
Choo grounds out. Shortstop Elvis Andrus doubles to left.
Dickey: And smoked to Bobby Abreu, who might also not be in the best shape of his life.
Page: Sandy Alderson was supposed to bring Moneyball to the Mets. The players are fat like in Moneyball. Just not good like in Moneyball. "We're not selling jeans, here." Or tickets, really.
Dickey: Bengie Molina is coaching first base for Texas. You think Alderson convinces him to unretire if Travis d'Arnaud goes 0-fer tonight?
Page: Didn't Omar Minaya try to trade for Bengie Molina like 50 times?
Dickey: Remember what happened last time Omar Minaya ran a small-market National League team at the trade deadline? He swapped a franchise's worth of Expos prospects for Bartolo Colon.
Page: Let's pray for a repeat. He was very protective of his Mets prospects, though. Aaron Heilman and Lastings Milledge for Babe Ruth got vetoed.
Curtis Granderson leads off the first inning for the Mets, who are already down 4--0.
Dickey: I love that the Mets wound up with their big, middle-of-the-order free-agent splurge as a leadoff hitter.
Page: Daniel Murphy is unfortunately the Mets' best hitter in 2014.
Dickey: David Wright is ... not.
Page: David Wright struggling is more frustrating than the Mets struggling. The Mets don't deserve to be good. But Wright's Hall of Fame résumé shouldn't be sullied by association. I still don't understand why he stayed.
Dickey: The only reason I can come up with is that he doesn't care about winning. Ergo, he's a loser, and we should trade him for someone who does want to win.
Page: You're advocating the Groucho Marx theory of roster management: "I refuse to sign any player that would want to sign with the Mets."
D'Arnaud strikes out swinging to end the second.
Page: Travis d'Arnaud, who is now "fixed," officially. His batting average has passed .200, and he is back to being a 25-year-old catching prospect.
Dickey: A 25-year-old prospect on a week-and-a-half-long, not-that-hot streak. You killed the R.A. Dickey trade, boys.
Page: I think there's a segment of the fan base that wants to replace the Jackie Robinson Rotunda with a monument to the Dickey trade, commemorating the fleecing of the Blue Jays for our injury-prone catcher who hits .200 and a pitcher who's still in the minors.
Dickey: There'd be a wing of the Rotunda for the Wheeler deal too.
Page: Yeah, the Wheeler Deal Annex.
Dickey: Kid has a 4.00 ERA and can't go more than six innings in the most pitcher-friendly season since 1968.
Murphy is credited for a single after Choo drops a line drive in left.
Dickey: When Murphy wins the batting title, will he too sub out of Game 162 and then sign with the Marlins?
Page: That was the beginning of the end. Jose Reyes leaving was the first sign the Mets were obviously broke.
Dickey: No! The first sign was Billy Wagner to the Red Sox in 2009, forgoing two guaranteed high draft picks so they could be certain they wouldn't have to pay him. If Reyes-to-the-Fish was Lehman Brothers, the Wagner trade was the emergency loan to Countrywide.
Page: The team and ballpark are symbols of Wall Street greed.
Dickey: Yeah, but of the Wall Street greed practiced by the loser bankers who aren't even any good at it.
D'Arnaud homers to lead off the fourth.
Page: "Wally fixed D'Arnaud" is the meme of the season. Wally Backman lurking as the manager at Triple A in the Mets' organization is the best thing.
Dickey: You know he'll soon strike, like an asp. An impolitic asp with a mustache.
Page: There's a passage about Wally in Revelation. Wally is the reckoning Mets management has been failing to stave off.
Dickey: He'll swallow the Mets whole. Wally as manager/GM/starting second baseman? That'd let 'em trade Murph.
Colon swings and misses so hard in the sixth inning, his helmet falls off.
Page: Colon served all his purposes in that one at bat: taking a crappy start into the seventh inning to save the bullpen and popping his helmet off for our entertainment.
Chris Young pinch-hits for Abreu.
Page: The Chris Young pinch-hit appearance: the unofficial end of any Mets game. Will they compete next year?
Dickey: Alderson said something recently on ESPN Radio about the payroll: "I do believe it will go up if we're able to generate the kind of revenue that will support that." Which is to say, if we give the Wilpons more money, they may spend more on the baseball team, Alderson believes. He hasn't confirmed it.
Page: The new Mets M.O. of implicitly blaming the fans for everything.
Dickey: Remember when the fans worried that Alderson would bring all kinds of unsettling radical change? Instead, his Mets have adopted the most newfangled thing: British feudalism circa 1200.
Page: "Yes, subjects, if your wheat harvests had been less meager this year, perhaps we could have signed a reliever better than Jose Valverde."
Dickey: Hell, if they're waiting on us to spend to put a good team on the field, then why don't we just own the team? We can set the payroll through crowdfunding. I'm in for $250, and double that if they bring Jordany Valdespin back.
Page: I'd like to see the fans' decision-making tribunals.
Dickey: Our fans would set the single-season record for most transactions. And for the most guys from Staten Island on one roster.
Kirk Nieuwenhuis doubles with one out in the bottom of the ninth.
Dickey: And ... there's life! Can you call it life if it's delivered unto you by Kirk Nieuwenhuis?
Page: And there's Murphy, striking out swinging to end the game.
Dickey: But just think of the prospects we'll get for him.