Teed Up

February 08, 2016

AFTER 19 YEARS calling golf for CBS, former player turned highly entertaining commentator David Feherty will make his debut for NBC at the Phoenix Open this week. And so, the game's funniest observer will meet the PGA Tour's wackiest event. A collection of Feherty's one-liners provides an idea of the irreverence viewers can expect.

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ON TIGER WOODS:

"I just stood there watching him walk past and thought, I don't know what that is, but I know there weren't two of them on Noah's Ark."

ON HIS CADDIE, RODNEY WOOLER:

"Not only was Rodney never on the same page as me, he was seldom in the same book and often not even in the same library."

ON GIVING UP ALCOHOL:

"I didn't quit drinking because I was a bad drunk. I quit because I was a spectacular drunk. It got to be like a video game, where you get to the highest level, and it's not even a challenge."

ON ONE PLAYER'S ERRANT SHOT:

"That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it even if it was wrapped in bacon."

ON BEAUTIFUL WEATHER:

"The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf during it."

ON GOLF:

"One minute you're bleeding. The next minute you're hemorrhaging. The next minute you're painting the Mona Lisa."

ON WATCHING TIGER WOODS HIT A GREAT SHOT:

"Never has my flabber been so completely gasted."

ON JIM FURYK'S SWING:

"It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree."

ON DANCING:

"I don't dance. The Irish don't dance; we hold each other up."

THEY SAID IT

"I LIKE 17-YEAR-OLDS MORE THAN 80-YEAR-OLDS."

Tom Izzo

Michigan State coach on why his team may again wear the neon lime-green recruit-friendly uniforms it debuted in a 74--65 win over Maryland on Jan. 23, even though some alumni balked.

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

The grounds crew at Super Bowl--hosting Levi's Stadium initially painted the Broncos' name and logo in both end zones.

THREE ILLUSTRATIONSILLUSTRATIONS BY MACKENZIE SCHUBERT PHOTOLEVISSTADIUM.COM (FIELD) PHOTOMIKE MOORE/GOLF CHANNEL/NBCU PHOTO BANK/GETTY IMAGES (FEHERTY) PHOTOREY DEL RIO/GETTY IMAGES (SPARTANS)

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)