An open lett-ah to the other 31 National Football League lose-ahs:
This is an article from the Sept. 14, 2015 issue
The inhabitants of these six New England states wish to thank you. After winning our fourth Super Bowl title in the past 14 years under the greatest coach ev-ah, William Stephen Belichick, we were a little worried about how we were going to get up for (yawn) another championship run. After this Deflategate nonsense, Bob Kraft has already measured Belichick's thumb because, come February, he's going to be completing that ring set with number 5. Maahk it down.
Seriously, do you understand the hell you've unleashed? You remember that overblown "scandal" Spygate? In response, the 2007 Patriots went 16--0 and beat everybody, like, 43--13. This year, teams should feel lucky to lose by 30. Take the Patriots and give the points in every game. In fact, we'll give you double the points.
Belichick, the genius who is five steps in front of the rest of the league, saw all of this coming. You think we're lacking talent in the secondary after we didn't bring back Dah-relle Revis and Brandon Brown-ah? Belichick didn't re-sign them because he knew we weren't going to need them. We're going to score so many points, we might not even field a defense this year.
During Spygate, all of you so-ah lose-ahs went after Belichick and questioned how legit our three Super Bowl titles were. Belichick's probably doing worse things (we don't care #KissTheRings), and those Lombahdi trophies aren't going anywhere.
This time, you went after Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr., aka the GOAT. Nobody questions our Tommy. O.K., so we feel an irrational personal connection to someone who throws a football for a living and doesn't really care about us, but what do you want? The winters suck up here.
Who the heck did you think you were messing with? They don't call us the Hub of the Universe for nothing. If it wasn't for us, the only football we'd have in this country would be soccer. In a way, we invented America, so I guess you could say we invented American football. And then Bill and Tommy perfected it. You're welcome.
Did Rog-ah Goodell really think he was going to beat the greatest winner ev-ah? Tommy wins on the field and off (Gisele, boom), and he probably wins on the way home in a quick game of Keno. With us working at home to enlighten the ignorant about the ESPN-NFL leak factory and the Ideal Gas Law and exposing scorned frauds like the NFL's VP of game operations Mike Kensil (he worked for the Jets, duh), Colts general manager Ryan Grigson (we've beaten Indy by an average of 29 points since quarterback Andrew Luck arrived in 2012) and NFL executive vice president Troy Vincent (hates us from his days with the Dolphins and Bills), doubters never stood a chance. We'll never get back those months of our lives we spent thinking and talking about stuff that would have zero impact on the decision of the Most Honorable Judge Richard Berman. But that Gronk-spike we dropped on all your ignorant heads was as sweet as any Lombahdi Trophy.
We understand what went on here. We know that to keep the illusion of parity in the league, you need to dock us a first-round draft pick every eight years. That doesn't mean we have to like it, and you'll now see the result. Get ready for the scorched-earth Patriots' 2015 season, with something extra special reserved for those crybaby Colts, who started this whole mess by whining about ball inflation. Tommy could have picked apart your pathetic secondary throwing an underinflated beach ball.
Colts, we'll tattoo you on Oct. 18. The rest of the NFL, if we don't play and beat you this season, you can watch us hoist another trophy on Feb. 7, 2016. It's the 50th Super Bowl, and it's being held outside San Francisco, down the road from where Tommy grew up. You have no idea what you've done. This season will be wicked pissah.
Get ready for the scorched-earth Patriots 2015 season, with something extra special reserved for those crybaby Colts, who started this mess.
Will the Patriots win the Super Bowl? Join the discussion on Twitter by using #SIPointAfter and following @GregABedard