Worst video game print ads that make you wonder what were they thinking

You might think adverts are questionable now, but this is what they used to look like

Nowadays, adverts can seem like exercises in cinematography, instead of actually showing you the game you’re supposed to want to purchase. As big flashy cutscenes appear on the big screen, we wonder what the game is actually like. Whether you think video game advertising now is good or not, it is definitely better than it used to be. Back in the day, adverts appeared in print, and on top of that rarely featured screenshots, opting instead for eye-catching and controversial images.

If you’re wondering what these print ads used to be like, then we’ve got you sorted. We’ve rounded up some of the most terrible print ads from the ’90s, ’00s, and beyond, to feast your eyes on. You have fair warning though, most of these adverts were made raunchy, controversial, or disgusting on purpose, and would definitely not fly by today’s standards. If you’re still interested, then read on.

Crash Bandicoot 2 (1997)

We’ve gone for this advert first as it is pretty much the epitome of ‘90s video game print advertising. You have some half-naked people starting around with whatever video game character you’re trying to sell awkwardly just standing there. This one turns the genre on its head by having half-naked men instead of women, but you get the premise.

Crash not only stands out from the crowd because of his cartoonishly big head, but because if you’ve ever played Crash Bandicoot you’ll know that he always skips leg day, something these gentlemen clearly attend to religiously. We’ll give Naughty Dog points though for correctly recognizing that both Crash and bodybuilders are top-heavy and orange. 

Game Boy Pocket (1997)

I don’t know how the marketing company decided on this to advertise the fact that the Game Boy Pocket was now available in six different colors, but this is how I imagine it went. Bill, “We need to advertise that the Game Boy Pocket comes in six different colors.” Jeff, “Why don’t we build a flesh wall?” Bill, “A what?” Jeff, “A flesh wall, with six different colored tongues coming out. Make sure the yellow one is obscenely long like Gene Simmons.”

Bill, “What about the transparent one? How will people see it?” Jeff, “We’ll just make it so you can see all the insides. Easy.” Bill, “You’re the boss, Jeff.” In this scenario, I imagine Jeff was someone high up in marketing, and Bill was an underling, letting Jeff cook in the hopes that he could usurp him once the horrifying flesh wall eventually came out. I hope this is what happened, because frankly screw Jeff for unleashing this abomination upon us.

Rayman 3 (2003)

In this very subtle advert for the third Rayman game, we can see four businessmen gawking at Rayman’s genitals while he stands at the urinal, because, as the tagline suggests, Rayman has “huge features”. However, when I first gazed upon this, I was not wondering whether or not Rayman had huge features. Like many others, I wondered if Rayman’s huge features were attached to his body.

From the horrified look on the faces of the gentlemen we can only guess that they aren’t. But does this make me want to play Rayman 3: Hoodlum Havoc? Not really. I haven’t played it but I don’t think it featured any full frontal nudity. This advert did let me know that Rayman 3 exists though, and I guess getting the word out is half the battle.

Ballz 3D: Battle of the Ballz (1994)

For those who haven’t played Ballz 3D: Battle of the Ballz, it was a 3D fighting game for the Sega Genesis, and SNES, which garnered interest at the time because it was one of the few Genesis games that was in 3D. What didn’t give the game any public knowledge, was this advert, which was a Ballzy play by the publisher.

Outside of the miniscule screenshots in three of the corners, this ad doesn’t show you any gameplay. Instead it just lets you know that Ballz – a shorthand for Ballz 3D: Battle of the Ballz – is out now. It has done this with a very clever, and subtle double entendre. See if you can spot it? Sadly, this advert did not help Ballz 3D: Battle of the Ballz rise to success, because it wasn’t very good. It’s frustratingly difficult to play, which, fun fact, is where the phrase ‘hard as Ballz’ comes from.

PlayStation Vita (2012)

This suggests that touching a PlayStation Vita is about the same level of enjoyment as touching a woman with breasts on both the back and the front. I think they might be right here, because while this woman has had a custom dress designed to accentuate her deformity, I would assume she mostly slops about in a T-shirt and looks like a humpback. She is likely self-conscious and insecure about her second pair of breasts, and I’m sure they give her endless medical aches and pains.

Likewise, playing any game that requires using the back touchpad on the PlayStation Vita is a joyless chore. Many back panel using games require you to touch both the front and back panels at the same time, which requires a level of coordination most humans don’t have. When I’m required to do this, I balance the Vita between my knees, and awkwardly loop one hand underneath, before becoming frustrated and turning the console off.

Game Boy (1990)

This is another advert that got things right because playing Game Boy IS more fun than sticking a ferret down your trousers. While you may get an initial adrenaline rush from having a live animal in your pants, that soon pales in comparison to the pain of sharp claws and jaws gnashing at your undercarriage. Playing Game Boy is more fun than mammals in your pants, but that’s not a very high bar to set yourself.

What confuses me most about this image is that the gentleman is both playing Game Boy and sticking a ferret down his trousers. This suggests that the Game Boy is not in any way a replacement for sticking your furry friend in your jeans, it may supplement your enjoyment, but that’s it. Suggesting that you require rodents in your undergarments in order to have fun while playing your console isn’t the glowing endorsement you think it is.

PlayStation Portable (2006)

The imagery here sure is powerful. The photography, choreography, costume, and models are all fantastic. We can see a lot of thought went into this design, which clearly portrays the racial injustices present in so many of today’s societies. It’s an image with a vision. That vision was, of course, not to show how black people have suffered at the hands of white people for centuries but to tell everyone that the PSP now comes in white.

While I think they probably did, perhaps the model and photographer didn’t know how the image was going to be used once they took it. But the marketing executives definitely did. And what makes it even more mind-boggling is that the proposed ad probably went through dozens of hands before it eventually ended up on this billboard. What were they thinking?