Rankman's Weekly Ranking & Comments

Rankman’s top two teams have the weekend off as they prepare for next week’s throw-down in Baton Rouge. If the loser of Alabama at Louisiana State isn’t careful, it could end up not winning the SEC West and having to settle for the national championship. Alabama has won the title twice without winning the SEC West, in 2011 and last year, while LSU of 2007 is the only two-loss team in the BCS era to win the whole Muffuletta...Our wipe-out ratings match-up of the week has to be Pac 12 Network vs. CBS at high noon (ish)) on Saturday, with Oregon State at Colorado taking on Georgia vs. Florida. It pairs one conference's smallest outdoor Beaver-Boulder Festival against the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. The "party" was coined in the potted haze of the 1958 game, by Florida Times-Union columnist Bill Kastelz, after he witnessed a drunk fan offer an adult beverage to a uniformed police officer. CBS analyst Gary Danielson will be on the Florida-Georgia call, hopefully not citing fake twitter quotes from Washington Coach Chris Petersen. Come on, CBS, you're bigger than this. We all know the SEC is better than the Pac 12. Please leave our time zone alone or a "third-party" adviser at Rankman Command Center will have to wave off the experts and cite you for verbal "targeting." Thanks to Adam Jude of the Seattle Times for this clarifying tidbit: last week, Danielson quoted Petersen saying, "If we had Alabama's schedule we'd be undefeated." Anyone who knows Petersen knows he has never, ever said anything that newsworthy or interesting. Danielson needs a new research department because Coach Pete never uttered any such thing. But, wait, I read it on the Internet! Danielson followed up by saying "Well, if Bama played Washington's schedule, they'd be undefeated too." Maybe, maybe not. Washington lost its last game against Auburn...and so did Alabama. But this is all fake news based on a hypothetical, based on a fake quote, based on a fake premise, based in a a fake world with fake plastic trees...

On to the rankings:

1: Alabama (8-0): Heisman Trust confirms Tua Tagovailoa would become the most mispronounced winner’s name since John Huarte in 1964. (1)

2: LSU (7-1): New color-changing helmets to be rented out during open week to light stage for a 1978 Disco Tribute Band. (4)

3: Notre Dame (7-0): McHale’s Navy never defeated top-five Irish. Real Navy has only done it twice: 1944 and 1957. (3)

4: Clemson (7-0): Dabo shows Florida State highlights from 1990s to give team sense for what potent pride the program in Tallahassee used to embody. (5)

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5: Michigan (7-1): Commissioner Delany of the Kindergarten Cops Assn. orders Harbaugh\Dantonio stand in corner for one hour as part of mandatory “Time Out.” (6)

6: Georgia (6-1): Bulldogs claim a 51-43-2 record over Gators. Florida claims record is 50-43-2. The issue should have been resolved years ago in claims court. (8)

7: Texas (6-1): QB Ehlinger (shoulder) expected back in time for Oklahoma State provided Stillwater hotel has reliable wake-up service. (7)

8: Oklahoma (6-1): New coordinator Ruffin McNeill has simplified defense with stick-figure illustrations, post-it helmet notes and clay-doll "Mr. Bill" as MIKE linebacker. (10)

9: Central Florida (7-0): 20th Century college football lets out a belly laugh after unhappy AD suggests sport HAS become a “subjective popularity contest.” (9)

10: Ohio State (7-1): QB Haskins vs. Purdue attempted\completed more passes, for more yards, than OSU starter Cornelius Greene did for entire 1973 season. (2)

11: Florida (6-1): Dan Mullen likes where his team stands now but may need a chair and an umbrella drink after Saturday’s cocktail party. (12)

12: West Virginia (5-1): Big win over Baylor on Thursday. Mountaineers did not stew over Iowa State loss—and by “stew” we mean possum with some carrots. (13)

13: Kentucky (6-1): Notre Dame modernized the forward pass in 1913. Kentucky set it back last week by completing three passes for 18 yards. (15)

14: Washington State (6-1): Unheralded QB heads to land of Tall Trees as Pac 12 Network exec ponders: “If a Gardner Minshew falls in the forest, will anyone see it?”

15:Washington (6-2): After topping 11,000 career passing yards last week, Browning received a really nice note from Mt. Rainier (14,411 feet). (14)

16: Iowa (6-1): Defense furious after Happy Valley super market vows to charge 10 cents a bag this weekend for each one of Iowa's 22 sacks. (NR)

First Four Out

Texas A&M: Aggies still have a mathematical chance of winning the SEC West and also, this just in: the Moon is made of cheese.

South Florida: Bulls have gotten big lift from RB Johnny Ford even though, with lifts in his cleats, he’s still only 5-foot-5.

Penn State: Nits lead all-time series against Iowa, 15-12, but still trail badly in the lifetime caucuses series.

Utah: Utes look to complete two-weekend sweep over L.A. with win at UCLA on Friday and win at Dodgers on Saturday.

Next Four Never

San Jose State: “Next Four Never” parole hearing set for next week in El Paso after Spartans “put a scare” into San Diego State.

UTEP: Miners wondering if Nebraska, now that's won a game, would mind swapping Bethune-Cookman for Alabama-Birmingham this week.

Rutgers: Chris Ash has played 13 true freshmen this year although four others tested as false-positive sophomores.

Oregon State: The hard part is over except for remaining games against—oh geez—Colorado, USC, Stanford, Washington and Oregon.[/membership]