RANKMAN WEEKLY RANKING/Rivalry Edition
In this crazy pandemic college football season, where nothing makes sense, we offer a bit of sanity, tinged with sadness.
It has been almost 7 months since our friend and TMG co-founder Chris Dufresne passed.
Of the many things we miss was his wit with his weekly Rankman observations.
Here's a sample of what we once had and how much we miss it.
TMG
We celebrate rivalry week (mostly) with our annual collection of universal opposition put-downs. Consider these in the convivial spirit in which they are intended. Please show proper respect by, whenever possible, not urinating on your opponent's lawn, spitting on his (or her) doormat logo, passing wind in his general direction, or publishing 10 Internet recipes for cooking a rival's live mascot. This is less a factor in the Big Ten, which mostly features mascots that don't pass the road-kill test. Which is: would you stop your car for any of these on your way to grandmother's house for dinner: Badger, Gopher, Wolverine, Nittany Lion (maybe?), Hawkeye or Wildcat. Or, maybe in your neck of the woods, that IS dinner? In the Big 12, Kansas and Texas are not traditional rivals mostly because the Longhorns own a 14-2 all-time record against the Jayhawks. But that didn't stop Kansas this week from barring BEVO from attending Friday's game in Lawrence. The school has a rule prohibiting live mascots. Kansas also has a "no football" zone on campus new coach Les Miles must immediately address. Have a Happy Rankman Thanksgiving.
1: Alabama (11-0): So a cop pulls over an Auburn fan and asks “You got any ID?” Auburn fans says “About what?” (1)
2: Clemson (11-0): How is a South Carolina girl different than a bowling ball? Sometimes a bowling ball is hard to pick up. (2)
3: Notre Dame (11-0): What’s the difference between a litter of puppies and USC fans. Eventually puppies grow up and stop whining. (3)
4: Michigan (10-1): What do you call 40 Ohio State fans laying on the grass? Fertilizer. (4)
5: Georgia (10-1): What’s the difference between a Georgia Tech fan and a carp? One is a bottom-feeding scum sucker and the other is a fish. (5)
6: Oklahoma (10-1): Did you hear about the new honor system at West Virginia? Yes, your honor, no your honor. (6)
7: Washington State (10-1): Hear about the Washington Husky who bought an AM radio? It took him a month to realize he could play it at night. (8)
8: Central Florida (10-0): How do you break a South Florida player’s finger? Punch him in the nose. (9)
9: LSU (9-2): Why did Texas A&M disband the water polo team? All the horses drown. (10)
10: Ohio State (10-1): What’s the difference between Ann Arbor and yogurt? Yogurt has a living culture. (11)
11: West Virginia (8-2): What is the best thing to come out of Oklahoma? Interstate 35. (7)
12: Utah State (10-1): How do you keep a Boise State girl from biting her nails? Tell her to put on her shoes. (12)
13: Washington (8-3): What do you call a Wazzu player golfing with an IQ of 120? A foursome.(14)
14: Utah (8-3): Hear about the BYU player who broke his leg raking leaves? Yeah, he fell out of the tree. (15)
15: Texas (8-3): You know you're staying at a Lawrence hotel when you call the front desk saying "I've got a leak in my sink" and they say "go ahead." (NR)
16: Penn State (8-3): What’s the difference between a Maryland player and a dollar? You can get four quarters out of a dollar.
Next Four Out
Florida: Why did the Florida State Seminoles have to shut down their website this year? They couldn’t string three Ws together.
Boise State: How do you pick out the Utah State cheerleader at a beauty salon? She's the one with curlers under her arms.
Mississippi State: What does an Ole Miss fan call a 3-9 season? Progress.
Northwestern: Why don't Illinois fans eat M&Ms? They're too hard to peel.
Not-Ranked Rival Rebuttals
Mississippi: Whenever we book a hotel room in Starkville we always ask for a room WITHOUT a view.
USC: What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a Notre Dame player? A tattoo.
Florida State: Why don’t they have ice at bars in Gainesville? They lost the recipe.
South Carolina: How to know you’re in a Clemson bar? If you call the number on the bathroom wall and you get a farm report.
Georgia Tech: How do you keep Georgia players out of the end zone? Put it in the library.
Brigham Young: Why don’t Utah players call 911? Because they can’t find “eleven” on the phone.
Maryland: How do you keep a Penn State student busy? Write “Please turn over” on two sides of a sheet of paper.
Kansas: Why can’t Texas fans raise chickens? They plant the eggs too deep.
Texas A&M: Why did the LSU fan stare at the carton or orange juice? It said “concentrate.”
South Florida: Why do you never see barbecue beans at a Central Florida pre-game tailgate? They keep falling through the grill.
Illinois: Why do Northwestern players smell so bad? So blind people can hate them too.