Hello Mr. Russell Wilson,
The New England Patriots are in dire need of a good quarterback; after looking at it very powerfully with my scouting team, we have concluded that you are both good at football and, indeed, a quarterback.
Therefore, I would like to sell you on a franchise on the rise and with a storied past, led by the greatest coach in sports history.
Firstly, I couldn't help but notice that you were unsatisfied with your offensive line -- this is understandable. I'm sure watching Patrick Mahomes get sandwiched and swallowed up whole during the Super Bowl triggered some unholy flashbacks, and we don't blame you. It couldn't have been fun for your skeleton to deal with 441 career sacks (100 more than any other QB).
The New England offensive line was the fourth best offensive line in the league, per PFF. Our star-studded stalwart in the trenches, including linemen Shaq Mason, Michael Onwenu and Isaiah Wynn, can give you a level of security unlike any you've enjoyed in your career. You'll not only save money on medical bills, but you'll actually have time to stand in the pocket and pick apart defenses. What's scarier than a quarterback with an elite deep ball? A quarterback with an elite deep ball and time.
And sure, we may not have the greatest weapons at the moment, and the jump from DK Metcalf and Tyler Lockett to N'Keal Harry and Jakobi Meyers might be a little daunting. But reports have said Bill Belichick wants to be aggressive in his roster reconstruction this offseason; perhaps joining the team will give you a say in who you want to pass to. At any given point, we are only a single star free agent signing away from opening up the passing game.
Belichick has always been effusive in his praise for you (as have I, for what it's worth, which compared to Belichick isn't worth much). It's hard to imagine the level of magic you and Belichick could conjure together; two all-time greats teaming up to achieve a threshold of excellence that hasn't been seen since The Weeknd and Kenny G teamed up for the In Your Eyes remix.
While in all likelihood you will stay with the Seattle Seahawks and this "drama" will boil over within a few months, it's nice to dream. I suppose it's a bitter reminder of just how important the quarterback position is to a team's construction.
Regardless, my job here is to convince you that Foxborough is the place to be to win rings. For a year now, the masses have been shouting to "let Russ cook." New England already has the hogs up front and the New England Clamp Chowder on defense -- we just need a head chef and a little bit of sizzle.
- Arnav Sharma