PFT Commenter
Thursday October 29th, 2015

Please be advised that the following extremely hot takes are intentionally satirical. By reading, you hereby acknowledge and agree that you are doing so at your own risk. All grammatical errors are (most likely) intentional.​


Lots of Americans woke up today with a baseball hangover. Its the body’s natural repsonse from trying so hard to convince themselves they like a inferior sport while simultaneously falling asleep during that sports biggest night of the year. See the PGA Championship, Democratic debate, and the Winter Olympic audiences for other examples.

In fact the game of MLB relies almost entireley on publicity stunts that are concocted to keep there product relevant.

Baseball is allways trying something new to keep there name in the papers. Things like making their championship a series (if you have 7 championship games you dont have one) and propping up false idols in order to make the games seem more compelling.

Idols like Cal Ripken, Jr. whose claim to fame was that he was able to be interested enough in the boringest sport on the planet for longer than anyone else. Hell you should get a war metal for making it through a single baseball game without checking your email, much less 2,632 of them.

Where theres smoke there’s fire folks- and I have no direct evidents to back up this claim, but I do have a column in Sports Illustrated from which to claim it: Cal Ripken Jr. was obviously using performance enhancing drugs in my opinion.

He showed up for work every day of every summer for like 20 years, to attend the most boring game in the most boring town, and we’re suppose to believe that he wasnt taking anything to keep him awake? In my opinion I think he used steroids greenies, reds,benzos, heroine, meth, you name it. He had to in order to keep himself from going insane from watching so much baseball .Ironic that the MLBs “Iron Man” likeley had a medicine cabinet that would make Robert Downey Jr.s look like a dead Pentecostal Ministers.

Also ironically, the whole idea of Cal Ripken Jr being a hero was a fake narrative shoved down Americas collective throat in order to distract us from the fact that baseball is boring and sucks and is stupid and your a idiot if you watch it. Follow along- they put him on drugs I think in order to keep him alert enough to play the boring sport in a effort to make people believe the sport isnt boring in the first place. Snake eating its tail type stuff.

A big clue is the fact that the whole consecutive games record streak is the dumbest record of all time. Its like he was trying too hard to convince us that hes a hard worker and allmost like he was covering up for something. Its like when you find out that the biggest gay-bashers are secretly gay, or like when the person with the thinnest skin is Jason Whitlock. When you spend all your time making sure the worlds paying attenton to your time-card its a convenient distraction from them snooping into the contents of your lunch pail.

Matter fact,It was a record that was so lame that no one had even tried to bother to try and break it for 55 years. You ever read a Guinness book of world records? Its filled with records no one cares about no offense to Robin Thicke. They went for the low-hanging fruit and they juiced him up folks.

In my opinion, Cal Ripken was the John Kerry of baseball: Used drugs, didnt serve in Vietnam, and changed his stance every other week.

All for the sake of publicity.

AP

And wouldnt you know it baseballs at it again, up to their old relevancy tricks and doing things like hosting there championship right as the divisional playoff races in the NFL are starting to really heat up. Its like gas prices dropping right before a election, you can almost set your clocks to the MLBs publicity stunts, when actually they should Fall Back.

Even still, last nights game was so boring that I fell asleep before the first pitch and didnt wake up untill this morning. 

The only reason baseball is ever popular besides tricking people into tuning in with Mickey Mouse theatrics (like Cal Ripkens roid-raging his way into another 2–for-5 day and Jhonny Cuetos hair) is because it gives people something to be excited for in Febuary when there is no football for another million months. The other only reason baseball is popular is because its great for the 2nd semester in high school to act like your a big country music fan and drive your jeep up to practice cranking tunes and pretend you listen to Tim McGraw while your playing long-toss for 2 hours and spitting on yourself. Its not hard to see why thats so enjoyable.

But like alot of things I use to like in high school, I’ve moved on. I dont hardly ever ask my older brother to buy me beer anymore. I dont run around smelling every marker to see if its the Mr Sketch scented ones. I redesinged my Incubus tattoo into a artistic representation of what it would be like if Taz wore a weed leaf hat backwards. People grow up.

And instead of desperate shenanigans like wooing us with consecutive-games streaks and 14-inning marithons, baseball should court a more discerning mature audience by making minor changes and:

  • Allow tackling
  • Give every player a dog on a leash that hes responsible for during the game. 
  • If a player tosses his bat in a exessively celebratory manner the whole other team gets to play “butts up” with him next at-bat
  • Cheerleaders
  • Eliminate the entire American League central.

But instead of making this actual substantive changes, the league resorts to gotcha PR capers like pumping enough speed into Cal Ripken jr that hes finally a 5 tool player. Things like calling in a favor from Greg Abbot to make a premature public statement naming the Houston Astros champions just so they could point to the The Kansas City Royals as Americas comeback darlings. You know, I seem to recall another force that came back from the dead after a former Texas Govenor declared them dead and now they’re called ISIS. Well without these sleight-of-hand newsmaker stunts, MLB is endangering of becoming WAS-WAS.

Enough with the gimmicks, make changes to the actuall game itself, not the marketing. Until then, the only difference in the “Small Ball” is that this time its being played in Kansas City ballpark, not in a Baltimore jockstrap folks.

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