Big 12 Power Prankings: Yesca
DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.
I was heading to Ye Old Bull and Bush on Montgomery 76107 (please no direct correspondence; all mail will be summarily returned) and was in the grove, bobbing my head in time to Yesca's "Lost Due To Incompetence" from the Cheech and Chong's Up In Smoke soundtrack. The sound of Waddy Wachtel's guitar with the congas and bongos and Latinate rhythms gave me exactly the high I needed, which I replicated upon entering the bar, feeding the jukebox five dollars.
"What kind of garbage is this?" asked Gordon The Good Irishman.
"It's by a band called Yesca. It's called Lost Due To Incompetence."
"Yesca?"
"Yes."
"What's Yesca?"
"Chicano slang for weed."
"It's terrible."
"Maybe you're just tone deaf. That guitar player is Waddy Wachtel, one of the great session players in rock and roll history."
"And what's that?" he asked upon a voice saying pursuit had been suspended, as the culprits were completely lost due to incompetence.
"That's Stacey Keach."
"What's he got to do with Yesca."
"In context, he's a narc."
"Speaking of which, have you learned yet that Irishmen don't say 'while?' We say 'whilst.'"
"I've read every page of James Joyce . . ."
"Who cares?"
". . . Except for Finnegan's Wake and I've also read more of that than I should and I've never once seen the word 'whilst' used non-ironically."
"Who cares?"
"And also, Martin Amis advises against using the word."
"Martin Amis isn't a bloody Irishman!"
"That may be, but he does know a thing or two about writing in English."
"Okay, so now you've heard a Chicano band called Yesca. You going to pretend to speak Spanish now?"
I was about to reply but was assailed by a telephone communication from The Barry Lewis that read: "We're low on articles this week. Could you try to write one?"
"Sure thing, Barry!" wrote I and, inspired by the sounds of Yesca, resolved to pen a final Big 12 Power Rankings piece.
But The Barry Lewis, that narc, had to spoil my high by sending a follow-up: "Also, something relevant, if possible. Your last one about Casey Moser is two weeks out-of-date."
"No problem, Barry."
Just then the glorious Yesca grove faded, but I wasn't worried, I had six more versions of the song to keep me good and tight while I opened my computer.
"Oh God, you ignoramus, are you going to make me listen to this crap all night whilst you write whatever foul Irish abuse you're up to right now!"
"Yes."
At which point, through a glow of inspiration, having learned two weeks prior I could simply plagiarize previous articles authored by my colleagues, I managed within twenty minutes to conjure the following list:
1 TCU
2 Texas Tech
3 Oklahoma State
4 Texas
5 West Virginia
6 Oklahoma
7. Kansas State
8. Baylor
9. Kansas
Whereupon, I decided to celebrate by requesting of The Amy a round for everyone, excepting, of course, Gordon The Irishman, for having verbally abused Yesca as well as the English language by insisting on using the word "whilst."
"Let us have a cheers!" I shouted, promptly joined by friends of every stripe. "To Yesca!"
"To Yesca!" said everyone while Gordon The Irishman sulked.
"To no sca!" Gordon mumbled.
It was glorious, a great high, dispelled by that narc The Barry Lewis, who had the gall to send the following reply: "Big 12 Power Rankings closed two weeks ago, you ignoramus."
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