Dear Opponent: Kansas State
DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.
"I have come here to chew bubblegum and talk trash. And I'm all out of bubblegum."
--"Rowdy" Roddy Piper (slightly amended)
Dear Pussies,*
I would like to introduce myself as a fellow feline lover. Though some maintain that every cat is in truth a lion with a Napoleon complex, and my friend, Ratigan, insists they're nature's assassins, I have found there is no company in the world quite as nurturing and as calming as that of a good pet cat. Further, the security they provide is invaluable, at least as much as a guard dog--what with mice, snakes, spiders, and all other miniature monsters of the animal kingdom that populate my nightmares. No. I have nothing but love for every cat who ever existed. And I commend you for wisely naming yourselves in their honor. You could have, for instance, taken the wildebeest for your nominal inspiration. But then I fear this letter would be far more objectionable than the perfectly innocent one I am penning here.
Having said that, I must admit I'm a little annoyed with you at the outset, and for three reasons:
1. I was with the impression we played (and beat) you two weeks ago and this would be my off week--they have a word for "off" weeks in football, don't they? Instead, I woke up this morning with a reminder from my daily tormenter, the Barry Lewis, that a letter to the "Mild Pussies" was due. So thanks for ruining a perfectly good day off.
2. When conducting my research I was incredulous to see your color scheme. It seems my cease and desist letter to Tartleton earlier this year failed to effect its desired purpose. Not in any way to impugn your taste in choosing the almighty Purple and White, but obviously, this constitutes the most flagrant, base plagiarism, which I will address in the postscript of this missive.
3. I am in correspondence with yet another team, named after a state, that feels the need to remind us their name is, after all, a state. Were we called the Fort Worth City Horned Frogs, I think you'll admit, the name would be considerably lamer.
I grant I am probably coming off as a bit of a prig, perhaps even a pedant, but it cannot be helped, I'm afraid. I'm tired of writing these!
To continue on a more positive note, I appreciate your sense of irony and devotion to purpose. Not many teams named the "Mild Pussies" would have proved so successful in a sport as ruthless and savage as football as you have. As I understand, your record is an impressive one, almost comparable to ours (stress on the almost), with only one loss to your name, against Dunblane, if I'm not mistaken.
Speaking on behalf of the denizens of Fort Worth, we welcome you to share our stadium and city, our restaurants and our public houses, to say nothing of our brothels. Speaking on behalf of myself, I'm dreading the event. The last time I was compelled to watch a football game in which a team shared our colors, I found myself cheering the wrong side, and was three sheets to the wind that night when I found the live tweet thread I had conducted, full of the worst terms of abuse such my mother would never forgive me were she to read it, was entirely a waste of time, to say nothing of a highly public embarrassment from which I have yet to recover, I assure you.
Nevertheless, I do look forward to meeting the other half of the Kansas population this Saturday (all fifty of them), and hope you feel warm, welcome, and at home.
Best,
SI
P.S., As previously mentioned, relative to the fact that you have stolen our colors, I must request on behalf of all of Frogdom that you send a check in the amount of $6,000,000, payable to Sports Ignoramus, to Ye Olde Bull and Bush on Montgomery (76107). Thanks!
*The signifier of the salutation is quite obviously in reference to the mild kitten, and definitely not the pejorative of male timidity, much less the vulgar reference to female genitalia. Good grief!
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