Dear Opponent: Baylor
This work of epistolary comedy is dedicated to the KillerFrog Fan Forum Literary Review Board.
With love,
T.
Dear Bores From Waco,
Bear with me. I didn’t consent to this.
You and I, we have one thing in common: neither of us wants to be here. Personally, I was happy, simply, to tell you to “screw off” and be done with it (not exactly what I wrote, but Ryann Zeller, Fearless Leader, told me I’d used too many “p-words” on Kansas State already). So I’m here to tick you off as badly, as briefly, as clearly, and as appropriately as possible.
First, I do not recognize your legitimacy as an opponent. To anyone of a minimally moral constitution, this should come as no surprise—unless that person’s moral ratiocination can’t distinguish between abusing certain substances prohibited by governing bodies, and the substantial bodies of persons. But I have already written about the obvious moral objection, here, (please peruse to your heart’s content, assuming you have one), and the facts being what they are, we are going to have to condescend to meeting you in your home stadium, which I am told is a toilet bowl—whether it is, I can’t say, but I am certain there are plenty pieces of crap, appropriately clad in green, awaiting us.
Second, your team has proved the most disappointing of the year. When we played OU and UT, we were accustomed to their being overrated, and angry they betrayed the Big 12. If only you had! We would not be condemned to share, however distantly, by however an involuntary association, in your disgrace. But that you were considered the Number One team in the Big 12--albeit for a week? That really is a disgrace. Don't blame me, however. I've ranked you last in everything, always and forever.
Third, there must be no town, community, or city in the world quite as abysmal as Waco, that place where whackos go to set themselves on fire. But it would seem the efforts of those fine madmen and looney ladies were in vain, as McLane stadium still stands.
I could go on, but I want to waste neither another nanosecond nor neuron.
Suffice it to say, some games aren’t worth winning, much less losing.
Worst regards, and it sucks to be . . . You know.
SI
P.S., well done in naming yourselves the Baers--as you seem to spell it, according to the picture above. Though Baptist doctrine has traditionally forbidden dancing as a sinful extravagance, you nevertheless named yourselves, while members of the Southern Baptist Convention, after one of the few creatures on God's green earth who dance.
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