Dear Opponent: Baylor - The Inaugural Bluebonnet Battle Edition
This work of epistolary comedy is dedicated to the KillerFrog Fan Forum Literary Review Board.
With love,
T.
DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.
"I have come here to chew bubblegum and talk trash. And I'm all out of bubblegum."
--(Rowdy) Roddy Piper (slightly amended)
Dear Bores,
Aptly named, you are, on both our halves. Truth be told, for all we like to brag about our rivalry as one of the oldest in Texas and everything else that virtually no one except the two of us cares about, the only time our rivalry is actually exciting is when one of us is having a winning season, so the other may troll. Seeing as you are one of the few teams in the Big 12 performing arguably worse than we are (you lost to Houston, for God's sake), this does not count as one of those games.
TCU's quarterback Josh Hoover (10) prepares to throw the ball against Texas Tech in a Big 12 football game, Thursday, Nov. 2, 2023, at Jones AT&T Stadium.
That has not prevented our respective student government bodies, in a display of agonizing self-deception and ennui, from deciding this is the year--this one, do you hear?, this?!--to introduce a cutesy oopsy dupesy annual challenge, called--are you ready for it?--the Bluebonnet Battle.
That's right, folks. Fix bayonets! Gird thy loins! Not the Paw/Claw War West Of Warsaw. Not the Battle For The Briles--Loser Take All.
No.
The Bluebonnet Battle: two football teams whose comprising members are all old enough to join the military have it in their minds to spend a day flower picking.
Quaint.
And truth be told, masochist I may be, sadist certainly, I'd probably rather watch our two teams peacefully find some ridge on I-35, and uproot a few dozen perfectly harmless bluebonnets, lift them to their dainty nostrils, and sniff, than the absolute snooze-fest we've set for ourselves this Saturday at 2:30 pm (on the bright side, I know when nap time will be).
Then there was last year. Now that was a rivalry game. We were undefeated, and you came close, within one play, to stealing our theretofore undefeated season right from under us. Everyone witnessed it. The undefeated Underfrogs, in the last play of the game, unleashed the bazooka. Boom, baby! What a play, which would have always stayed in my mind in unadulterated glory were it not for some nincompoop who had an idea to set the kick to Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On." To whoever did that: thanks. Mine didn't.
That was a game people who happen to reside outside of our two towns could care about.
But Saturday? Forget about it. I can tell you, exactly, how many people outside of the Fort Worth and Waco city limits will care about who wins: zero. That many, exactly.
And for that matter, if TCU wins, I can tell you exactly how many will care within those two city limits: zero. That many, exactly.
We win, the response will be: "Okay, yeah, but who cares? We're still playing like garbage and will be lucky to break even."
Your response will be (hopefully--or at this point you really are delusional) something along the lines of: "Figures."
On the other hand, if you win, our fanbase is likely to petition Jeremiah Do-Naughty to just shut the entire program down entirely.
And you will have the honor and joy of winning the first Bluebonnet Battle, though you couldn't beat the Houston Cougars.
Congratulations. I hope you're not allergic to pollen.
And remind me of two things: a). who cares? and b). who should?
Sincerely,
Well. You know.
SI
P.S., Any chance you want Briles back?
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