Dear Opponent: Iowa State
This work of epistolary comedy is dedicated to the KillerFrog Fan Forum Literary Review Board.
With love,
T.
DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.
"I have come here to chew bubblegum and talk trash. And I'm all out of bubblegum."
--(Rowdy) Roddy Piper (slightly amended)
Dear Cyclones,
Seeing as you are one of the three teams in the Big 12 not named TCU I actually like (the others being West-by-God Virginia, those arsonists, who set fire to our purple tail last Saturday, and Kansas, the good one, smart enough to know they don't need to clarify that Kansas is, in fact, a state), please accept this epistle in a spirit of generosity and respect.
And respect is due. Though callous stats show you are 2-3, we all know a team can't be reduced simply to numbers. You did manage the victory over Oklahoma State, and two of your other defeats were decided by a touchdown or less. Oklahoma, alas, is hardly the team they were last year, and are currently dominant in our conference. You were but one more of their five victims. Having said that, be of good cheer. Your 50-20 defeat might smart, but imagine how Tulsa feels (66-17) or Arkansas State (73-0)--I, for one, hanging out in LA last January, can tell you exactly how they feel, and, believe me, they don't want to talk about it. From that point of view, your 50-20 score is perfectly respectable. Disappointing and painful, albeit. But respectable.
TCU travels to Ames, Iowa to take on the Iowa State Cyclones in Week 6.
Tony Beblowski/KillerFrogs
And despite our current winning record, anyone in Frogdom will admit a painful truth: our boys are not at their best. It would seem that whatever luck, whatever good karma, our boys commanded last season has run out, and the miraculous late-game comebacks have yet to materialize. Thus far, if we're dominant we win. If we're not, we lose.
Now, there is an upside to this arrangement. One, my blood-alcohol content and cholesterol levels at the end of the game are (relatively) stable. At the least, I can drive home from the Carter without risking death or injury--or Uber for the fun of it. Two, I can pretty well tell by the end of the first half if the second will be worth watching.
So we're going to be in Iowa this weekend, Ames, I believe. Never been there, but to judge by your name, that's probably a good thing. A storm in Iowa in October is not my idea of a good time. What is my idea of a good time, however, is sitting back, boozing, and watching our Frogs bring a plague to Ames unlike you've ever seen.
At least in the first half.
After that, please, remember this letter, and be gentle.
Best regards,
SI
P.S., I know about Iowa for two reasons: the blonde who provided my first kiss in the ninth grade during a band trip, and the Phil Alden Robinson film Field Of Dreams. Considering most people in the United States have never met Kate (at least, I think that was her name), you might want to invest in a baseball team. Good money to be made there, I would imagine. I only ask for ten percent of the grosses--then fifty after the first million.
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