This work of epistolary comedy is dedicated to the KillerFrog Fan Forum Literary Review Board
DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.
"I have come here to chew bubblegum and talk trash. And I'm all out of bubblegum."
--(Rowdy) Roddy Piper (slightly amended)
Hell of a name for a football team. I must admit, a Horned Frog is not the most threatening of mascots. Nor, for that matter, is a Longhorn or Sooner. And I do know some Cowboys and Mountaineers who ride Mustangs and would gladly fight a Wildcat, a Buffalo or even a Bear. As for Red Raiders and Jayhawks, forget about it. But no one wants to grapple with a Psycho. I commend you.
Relative to the fact that you intend to visit us on Saturday from Iowa, I would dearly appreciate it if you could offer me a ticket to a baseball game one of these days. The best movie ever made about Iowa, or baseball for that matter, Field of Dreams, is no doubt a testament to the great love of that fine sport in your area, and I'm sure your baseball team is a glory to behold.
But on to the matter underfoot, I suppose I should address the elephant in the room--you have had a disappointing season, not to be confused for a bad one, much less that yours is a bad team. Looking at the Win/Loss columns, one could erroneously come to the conclusion you suck.
But I know better.
You don't suck.
As everyone knows, the static win or loss label hardly captures the full dynamism of the game in question. Against the #2 team in the Big 12 this season, you lost by one point. Against the #3, a field goal. You fought Oklahoma State to a touchdown, and against Texas Tech you came within four points. You're good. You're very good. You could beat us. Emphasize "could."
So, my fine psychotic gentlemen, it is incumbent upon me, as a representative of Horned Frogdom everywhere, to make an offer you can't refuse.
On behalf of the Big 12, for the honor of our glorious conference perpetually shafted by the CFP committee and the rest of the doubters and haters who think the only good football falls within the confines of the Big 10 and SEC, please do us all a favor:
Stay home. Sleep in. Tickle the lady friend or wife (or guy friend/husband, if that’s your thing). Resign the field, handing us an undefeated season and enabling us to represent the Big 12 at the College Football Playoffs and prove that the Big 12 is as competitive as any conference in the nation, anywhere. After all, next year, it could be you in this venerable position. Do the right thing, as BYE did. Forfeit. It's the only honorable thing to do.
But I recognize the weather up there sucks, and you might enjoy a milder climate in a fun city where you know you'll be welcome. We can happily oblige you. Just do us this favor: roll over and play dead. Throw this game like La Motta did the fight in Raging Bull (I have in mind, particularly, the scene where Joe Pesci asks Robert De Niro to raise his hand, whereupon he plops to the ground and lying on his back says: "What's so hard bout tat?")
Bear in mind: what I'm asking won't be pretty. Beating you 55-3 in 2014 didn't do the trick. Considering the greatest score discrepancy in history is the Georgia Tech/Cumberland game in 1916, in which GT won 222-0, I reckon an even 250-0 will have to do.
In the name of our mutual benefit, I beg you: give our guys a break. We've been playing nine consecutive weeks, six games on the road. The boys are tired, and as for the fans, we've lost a minimum of ten years of our lives. Our nails are so bitten the ladies have none left and the men have worn theirs to stubs that protrude, nimble nubs, from the knuckle.
Having said that, if you do not accept this highly magnanimous offer, and foolishly make the decision to come at us with all your might . . .
You're going to get killed. Psychos or not.
P.S., Tell Psycho Larry I said he's awesome, easily the funniest (if not best) political commentator in the world. And, for God's sake and masculine mercy, keep any and all tasers away from that man!
P.P.S., Kudos on being one of the two teams (the other being Kansas) in the Big 12 who, according to my calculations, does not owe me money. But in the event you're willing to donate on my behalf, send all proceeds to Ye Olde Bull and Bush on Montgomery 76107.
P.P.P.S., Psycho Larry wants a TCU girlfriend. If you can accommodate our score request, I'm sure a young lady from Fort Worth can accommodate his.
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