SI Dialogues: Identity Theft
I was at the office, putting away my sixteenth Paddy's neat/splash of water, when I got the call from The Barry Lewis.
"Are you sitting down?"
"There are no barstools at Ye Olde Bull and Bush on Montgomery 76107, Lewis."
"You might want to find a table. One with a solid seat."
"A man takes his stand, Lewis."
"I read this headline today: 'Tyler Brown denied eligibility by NCAA to transfer to the Colorado Offensive line.'"
"I've been what?"
"Denied eligibility . . ."
"For what . . . "
"By the NCAA . . ."
"Acronyms. What's that?"
" . . . to transfer to the Colorado Offensive Line."
"What's an offensive line, Lewis, that I haven't delivered in your presence, either public or private?"
Here I heard on the other line what could have been either a firecracker or a man slapping his forehead with considerable enthusiasm.
"Evidently," The Barry Lewis said, patiently, "Tyler Brown is the name of a college football player."
"Barry, you know I've never played a game of college football in my entire life, nor seen one. At least voluntarily."
"I'm well aware of the fact."
"So are you telling me that by the ingenious machinations of one of my myriad diabolical enemies, I have been chosen as a member of the Colorado Offensive Line?"
"And denied by the NCAA."
"Well thank God for Ense Duble. I reckon I owe that man a drink."
"The NCAA is not a drinking man. It's an organizing body of college athletics. They make the rules. And they've determined that Tyler Brown is not eligible to play Offensive Line for Colorado."
"Mighty good of them. An impeccable judgment. I'll buy them all as many drinks as my life is worth."
"That would be a shot and a half."
"Your support is humbling. You ever seen me in person, Lewis?"
"More times than I care to recount."
"You think I'm fit so much as to paint an offensive line?"
"Probably not."
"Absolutely not. So no worries. The NCAA has made the proper decision."
There was laughter on the other line.
"I'm sorry, Lewis, did I say something funny?"
"Not deliberately."
"So why are you laughing?"
"You haven't finished the story."
"What's that?"
"Tyler Brown will be joining the Colorado Offensive Line in the 2024 year."
"Well he's got to be stopped."
"It appears there is another Tyler Brown in the world and he is a college football player."
"Barry, two things. First, there is only one, absolutely one, Tyler motherloving Brown in the whole world. It would take a planet the size of Jupiter to handle two of us."
"I quite agree."
"Second, quite clearly, my Name, Image, and Likeness has been violated. This is a foul, egregious violation of my identity, veritably a usurpation, and as such, I am owed money. How much does this old mate, you reckon, make off my name?"
"Enough to buy your bar tab for at least a week, or at least to pay a fraction of your debts."
"They're not debts. They're credits in waiting."
"I'm signing off, SI. It's been a displeasure knowing you."
Click.
I was then left to stew in my disappointment, helplessness, and the deeply uncomfortable prospect that in two years it was possible I would be required to pull on a skeleton of pads and be buried by the pummeling of whoever it is that hits offensive linemen.
I resolved upon drafting a will in the event of my untimely death (playing college football, of all things, in Colorado, of all places), and reckoned that in the event this imposter Tyler Brown failed to pay me the few hundred thousand (minimum) he owed, I would be in possession of a pair of boots, a belt, a couple shirts, a borrowed computer, and debts ranging somewhere between five and six figures. And I intended with full resolve to transmit these wishes to Ratigan by email, when I came across the following email, entitled: "IDENTITY THEFT", and opened the following missive:
"Mr. Tyler Brown, this is a cease-and-desist letter from the one true Tyler Brown, as is evident were you to Google the venerable name online. Tyler Brown is an Instagram influencer and trans woman, and it appears you have usurped her identity. Thus, on her behalf, we would like to request that you cease writing such garbage while sharing her name, or we will have to immediately take legal action.
I appreciate your immediate attention in this delicate matter.
Sincerely,
Michael, IRS, Rotundo, JD
P.S., Never mix drinks, especially while writing anything for public consumption under the name Tyler Brown."
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