The Screwed Tape Letters: Dear Coach P, Block You Too
Dear Coach P.,
I'm not sure you will read this letter, considering you have "blocked" KillerFrogs from Twitter, for some reason--though it must be allowed that we have devoted thousands of words of almost unqualified praise in your honor. Indeed, the word "legendary" accompanies "Coach" and "Patterson" so often in these pages, had I not known better, I would assume "Gary" to be your middle name.
Surely you are aware that we Horned Frogs are not happy with you. Nor are you, we will admit, happy with us, as is evident by the fact that you have voluntarily shacked up with the worst college athletic program on the face of the earth.
While I am inclined to be sympathetic to your position, and have expressed that sympathy on two occasions, once seriously in "A Great Game's Beauty" and once less so in "Et Tu, Gary?," I possess an equal and more inimical inclination to consider you somewhat petty, legendary and legitimately aggrieved though you may be. It must be painful to stand on the sidelines and behold our newfound success, not unlike, one must imagine, a fretful father who hears the stepdad has taken the boys to Six Flags and enjoyed free passes for a fast track on the best rides, whereas he had taken them to Schlitterbahn a week before and found the park temporarily closed for repairs.
Nevertheless, it is a simple fact that you spent the best years of your life serving an institution to whose collapse you have voluntarily committed: joining forces with the school that was willing to sink the Big 12, upon which your legacy rests, to say nothing of ours. And this is a decision we Frogs will not easily forgive.
Such is the tension between us that when you innocuously (and ambiguously) asked what was the score between TCU and Kansas, your simple question erupted a debate on social media in Frogdom that lasted weeks, which speaks to the charisma and power you still wield over the hearts and minds of every one who has proudly sported the purple and the white in the Carter in the last two decades.
Oscar Wilde (the flamboyant Irish writer, not the Ozzy Osbourne guitarist) once described a cynic as he "who recognizes the price of everything and the value of nothing."
The sentimentalist, it would seem, inverts those qualities. And our nice, sentimental Frogs, hoping for the best, thought you were rooting for us from afar, wishing your old team well to achieve the success that evaded us during the last couple years of our time together.
But others knew better. Whether you wanted us to win that particular game, I have no idea. It is perfectly possible you did, and wanted us to continue to enjoy victory after victory--if only to hand us our first loss to sweeten your revenge. I have no doubt that you are looking forward to Saturday's game with a tiger's eye and an indignant heart, to remind us you are, after all, Gary "motherlovin" Patterson.
That you are. And you are still my favorite coach.
Over the last two decades, you have proved a dreamweaver and mythmaker. What the Horned Frogs are accomplishing this season--and all respect due to Sonny Dykes and his brilliant leadership--likely could not have happened without the foundation you established. And a considerable chunk of Horned Frog fans all over the country recognize that. To quote my friend, Ted: “I spent the best two hundred grand of my life because of Gary Patterson.”
Now you have brought the pathos of rich human drama to the field yet again. The underdog team, in the midst of its hard-earned success, facing off against the mainstay blue blood, buttressed by their erstwhile leader. It's David and Goliath, in which Saul has joined forces with the Philistines. It would no doubt make a compelling film, inspiring from whichever angle, whether the aggrieved coach achieves his revenge, or his progeny their deferred glory.
Speaking as a writer, it's great stuff. And you are by no means the bad guy. Rather, you are a hero, albeit a flawed one. Perhaps our team comprises flawed heroes as well.
On Saturday, you are going to be meeting on the field players I've no doubt you love very dearly, an affection by no means unreciprocated. You are going to be hell set on beating them, and they you. Regardless of which team wins, I hope innocence triumphs over cynicism, tenderness over resentment, forgiveness over revenge, and friendship over enmity.
(Having said that, I equally hope TCU kicks UT's ass and the more you block us, the harder we block you).
Anyway. Keep Austin weird, Gary.
Best,
SI
P.S., I hear Nebraska's hiring. At the least, they offer a significant wardrobe improvement.
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