The Screwed Tape Letters: Michigan Missing It (Again)
DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.
Dear Michiganders and Michigeese,
The other day a video dropped, celebrating the Michigan Football team's athletic prowess. It was a hypnotic collage of quickly-spliced images, overlapping each other, with weird soundscapes and a hallucinogenic vibe. And it bears a striking resemblance to videos TCU Football has been releasing on Twitter by the week. Needless to say, many in Frogdom are not happy.
However, I, a true believer in the adage there is no sincerer form of flattery than imitation (except full-on plagiarism), know better. And if you desire to construct from the ground-up a classy, first-rate athletic program, as you no doubt do, here are ten other things, or people, you must steal if you want to attain the Purple standard:
1 Max Duggan
You can't fake it with that guy or without him. The man has first-rate talent, of course, as everyone knows, but more important than that, he has a first-rate heart. And he never gives up. Without Duggan, I don't care how good your football team is. It ain't the Purple standard. You can try to steal him, but he'll never turn. If you steal him and refuse to let him go your whole community will be plagued with Frogs. Ann Arbor will teem with Frogs to smite thee and spite thee, spitting blood all the while.
2 Gary Patterson
The guy that started it all, who took a team that through the entire 90s had as many losing seasons as winning ones, and within four years made the team we are celebrating today, with fifteen winning seasons in the last twenty-one years, many of those with only one or two losses. He assembled our current undefeated team, and has now lost his mind in joining forces with UT. By all means, save him from that fate. Steal him. Please.
3 Sonny Dykes
How many coaches in football history have led a team to an undefeated season in their first year? This one has. He's ours. You steal him, you die. En masse.
4 TCU Cheerleaders/Showgirls
These elegant beauties are legendary around the country. No matter how bad the team, we always have, and always will have, the best cheering squad in the United States--which is to say the world, if you want to be pedantic about it. Just ask my friends, Savannah and Lauren. Or my favorite sports commentator, Cyclone Larry. They'll tell you. Be warned: many of these girls come from wealthy families. Steal them and their parents will sue you. Or initiate a second Trojan war. And that did not go well. Take it from Priam and Paris.
5 SuperFrog
I'm not going to lie, I've always thought the Horned Frog a rather lame mascot. It is not among Mother Nature's most threatening offspring, after all. But SuperFrog is another story. Cute, fun and funny, and he doesn't even say a word. A pure masterpiece of marketing. Steal him and he'll spit blood all over you. Or simply croak of a broken heart. He's ours.
6 Clint Foster
Our happy YouTuber, Mr. Foster has made his reputation by his superior acting and editing skills. Every week, he writes a sketch in which he plays a variety of characters, keeping the fanbase happy and smiling until the next game. He is uncannily good at playing two (or more) parts at once, and in this regard, I fear he might be a schizophrenic. Steal him if you dare. But you might regret it if his Froggy Hyde overwhelms your Michigan Jekyll.
7 Ben's Pretzels
My friend and colleague, The David Tucker, always eats Ben's Pretzels, and the dear man insists they are a source of good luck, as he seemed to demonstrate in our game against Oklahoma State, which we won in overtime. Whether or not they're good luck, I don't know. Steal them if you like. We have plenty to spare. Only not when you're playing us. Then you and Mr. Tucker will have to have words and he's not the kind of guy I'd want words with.
8 Jeremiah Donati
Jeremiah Donati (Do-Naughty, as I like to call him) is our athletic director. He is the architect of our home games at The Carter, Schollmaier Arena, and the Lupton Baseball Stadium. He's a genius. And he's happy in Frogland. And we like him. A lot. Let him be. Unless you want to be set upon by an army of One-Eyed One-Horned Flying Purple People Eaters.
9 Damonic Williams
Mr. Williams is my absolute favorite player on the TCU Horned Frog Football team. He's a 300-pound defensive tackle who wrecks everything in his path. And he's a freshman so he's only going to get stronger and better. Trust me, you'll remember his name in the years to come. Go ahead. Try it. Steal him. I'll steal him back.
10 The Sports Ignoramus
That would be me. I don't know anything about sports--to put this in perspective, when I began this letter, I told my colleagues I intended to address Michigan State in public and take them to task for plagiarism, at which point I found that you are, in fact, Michigan, not Michigan State, and you would have felt a little insulted were I not to distinguish the two. Thus, in the words of Bill Murray: "I've got that going for me. Which is nice." You can steal me, I suppose, but I'd prefer to be bought. Though I will always be a loyal Frog at heart, I am willing to offer you my services at the small, discounted rate of $3,000 per article ($10,000 if you're playing any team in the Big 12 except Baylor; there I'll offer my services for free). Deal's off if you play TCU, though. Under threat of torture, I'll never turn.
There you have it. The Purple Standard, what you aspire to. If you truly want to model your program after ours, all ten of these components are not only sufficient but necessary.
Best,
SI
P.S., relative to the fact that you have so shamelessly committed an act of plagiarism, I must ask on behalf of Frogdom that you send a check in the amount of $500,000,000, payable to Sports Ignoramus, to Ye Olde Bull and Bush at Montgomery (76107).
P.P.S., Having seen the video: Honestly? That's the best you can do?
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