Dear Opponent: Colorado

Each week, we send a letter to that week’s opponent, just to let them know we are thinking about them before the game. This Friday, TCU will be in Boulder playing the Colorado Buffaloes

"I am here to chew bubblegum and talk trash!  And I'm all out of bubblegum." 

--"Rowdy" Roddy Piper (slightly amended) 

Dear Buffaloes, 

I, along with the rest of Frogdom, would like to commend you on not having gone extinct.  It is undoubtedly one of the great unexpected tragedies of Manifest Destiny that in the federal establishment of such a beautiful state as Colorado, and its civilizing that wilderness sufficiently to necessitate a university such as yours, the mascot which you rightly take so much pride in was almost wiped off the face of the earth.  As of now, a Google search of the Colorado Buffalo elicits the following notification:  "Near threatened."    

And that is the extent I know of the Colorado Buffaloes.  In toto. 

I am told that TCU is supposed to have a better team this year than yours.  Indeed, last season you finished 4-8 while we managed one victory more at 5-7 (which hardly vouchsafes us bragging rights).  According to Tipico Sportsbook (whatever that is) we have a 13.5 point spread advantage, a -475 money line (as against your +340), and the over-under for the game is 55.5.  As I have no idea what any of that means, and consider it rude to gloat about any victory, particularly before it has been accomplished, I would like to wish you a good game and that you, as well as us, enjoy a better season than last year, so long as your improvement is not gained at our impoverishment.  

So, it is my hope that the TCU Horned Frogs and Colorado Buffaloes can come together peacefully in a state known for the legalization of marijuana--a perfectly sensible legislative decision, in my view.  

Having said that, to be honest, I've never had much talent for the drug myself, suffering the inveterate ignominy of being set upon by the giggles such that, like the weasels in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit," I sometimes hallucinate that the ghost in my bodily machine is about to levitate to a blizzard of yelps; otherwise, I become a dumb lazy slug burdened with the rather unappealing task of teaching himself how to walk.  

Anyway, the exchange of cannabis is a noble pastime and I have no doubt that the athletic competition between our two teams will be more amicable for it.  

Best,

SI  

P.S., You might take it upon yourselves out of basic decency to warn our own folks from the Fort, not accustomed to smoking or eating the green stuff, of the psychological and physical dangers of getting "cross-faded."  That sucks.  

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.

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