The Rules Reconsidered: Horns Down, Fingers UP!
There are benefits to being a sports ignoramus. Among them is having the rare opportunity to enjoy one's proverbial cake (in this case, orange) and eating it. One has no burden to honor a rule he does not understand, much less respect. So when objections of good sportsmanship and personable conduct are levied, he can look his interlocutor in the eye, take a fork to a bit of orange icing stuck in his molars while grinning, and say: "Who cares?"
The impetus for this particular article came when Sonny Dykes took his seat on the sidelines at Schollmaier Arena . . .
Hello dear reader, the Barry Lewis here. The author obviously intends the word "courtside," but as this is a humorous article, and the author a self-proclaimed "sports ignoramus," we think it appropriate to allow the error to stand. Thank you for your patience; Mr. Brown is still accustomed to football's terminology. But the boy is learning, albeit slowly . . .
. . . during our sour humiliation, and gave, not one, but two horns down signs, for which he received the most rapturous applause, by the 3,000+ students in attendance, of the night.
I thought he was impersonating a rapper (for the record, I know less about rap music than I do about sports--and I'm not ashamed of that, not even a little bit).
But the Barry Lewis clarified: "He's giving the horns down gesture."
"What's horse down?"
"Horns. It's a way of spiting UT."
"That's great! Everyone should spit on UT!"
(It was hard to hear anything in Schollmaier Arena at that particular point).
"Spite. Rhymes with sprite. It's also a penalty."
"The hell you say!"
"Indeed."
"Why, what, what for?!"
"Because it is considered unsportsmanlike."
"Who cares!"
"The referees."
"Oh not them again!"
"If a player allows the UT signal to fall, he can be penalized depending on the referee's discretion."
"I've been after those pinstriped numbskulls for months and they never learn . . ."
And so forth. It was then I thought, knowing little about sports, it would be wise to pick the Barry Lewis' mind for his opinion on the matter. He was prompt with a retort:
"I think that considering this is the second conference they are trying to break up, it's the price they pay by the teams they've sold down the river. At least until they are safe in the SEC."
"Wait? The second?"
"Yes. Before the Big XII . . ." I nodded, knowing at least what THAT is, " . . . we were in the Southwest Conference. And UT broke that one up too."
"What a bunch of tarts."
"Did you say batch of hearts?" the Barry Lewis asked. And I clarified in such a manner I am not at liberty to reproduce here, lest I be banned from Sports Illustrated for life, and I don't want to give the Baylor administration the satisfaction.
So, two nights later, imbibing my spirits at Ye Olde Bull and Bush on Montgomery 76107, I did a little research. Sure enough, according to Google, there was a Southwest Conference, which existed, sadly, for 82 years (may it rest in peace!), until Baylor (of course!), Texas (of course!), Texas A & M (or, as a friend of mine refers to them, the Hitler Youth), and Texas Tech (self-admitted Raiders) disbanded it.
Now UT is leaving the Big 12, which they founded, for the supposedly more illustrious SEC. Why would they do such a thing? Because they can, of course.
And these Benedict Arnolds have the nerve to object to a perfectly harmless, perfectly dismissive gesture, of forefinger and pinky facing the ground (heaven forbid!)
And though I've never known the Barry Lewis to deceive about any matter in the slightest--unlike yours truly, hyperbole is not his favored rhetorical approach--I felt duty-bound to research the matter of my own accord: could it be that allowing a forefinger and pinkie to face the ground could result in an actual penalty?
Indeed, it can. According to Google, any player who flashes (let's not get excited here--speaking of hyperbole!) the horns down (which I refuse to capitalize, out of spite) signal can be considered unsportsmanlike and therefore receive a penalty.
So, to spare the Longhorns their feelings, I would like to propose, to every fan of the Big 12 outside of Austin, an alternative. No fingers facing the ground are necessary. Rather, we simply choose one finger on either hand, preferably both, the longest (befitting the Longhorns, after all), and raise it alone high to the sky in defiance. Presumably, the orange-clad bovine bloviators would prefer one finger up to two down. I certainly would.
And to address any naysayer who may wonder upon which principle I would advocate such a gesture, my reply is identical to UT's in disrupting every conference of which they play a part: because I can, of course.
I will now go back to enjoying my cake.
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