Baseball Twitter will buy the Marlins and find Jeffrey Loria a new home

Forget those strange bedfellows who have been rumored to buy the team. Derek Jeter associated with a team besides the Yankees? Jeb Bush? Tagg Romney and Tom Glavine? Ivanka Trump and Greg Maddux? Ok, I made the last one up, but it's Loria who sounds as though he's ready to say "No, Mas" to the suitor with the deepest pockets.

No matter. Once the frenzy of deadline rumors and dumb trade proposals passes in late July, baseball Twitter will do something constructive. Driven by unironic love for the Dinger Machine and its foremost instigator, slugging outfielder Giancarlo Stanton, thousands upon thousands of users will band together via Kickstarter, raising not just a billion dollars to buy the team but the additional money to put Loria on a boat and push it off into the Bermuda Triangle.