Whitt's End: Do The Dirk & Nash Imitators Even Watch the Mavs?
Whether you’re at the end of your coffee, your day, your week or even your rope, welcome to Whitt’s End 4.10.20 ...
*Real > Fake. I’ve never been impressed by people who profit merely by pretending to be other people. Elvis impersonators. Tribute bands. Drag queens that lip sync. Even actors. And now, somebody on social media that goes by the name of “maxisnicee.”
He calls his product “hoops comedy,'' but there’s zero funny – or accurate – about his latest video supposedly mimicking Dirk Nowitzki and Steve Nash. In the video, “maxisnicee” portrays Dirk. Horribly. He wears a headband (Dirk only wore one for nine games during the 2009 season, long after Nash left for the Suns in 2004). He can’t jump over his own shadow (when the two played together in the early 2000s, Dirk was an athletic finisher who often dunked). And he never once in the 14-minute video replicates Dirk’s signature tic (incessantly tugging at the NBA logo on his left upper chest).
If you’re going to ask me to fawn over your imitations, at least do a little research.
*Hot.
*Not.
*SARS and COVID-19 were both hatched and launched by bat feces. Next time someone tells you “she’s bat-shit crazy,'' tread lightly. On second thought, run!
*Now seems the perfect chance for American consumers to unite. I mean, really unite. Into a living, breathing, powerful entity. With businesses and restaurants and car companies severely suffering during our national shutdown, it’s a reminder that it’s consumers that truly power the American economy. Time is ripe to establish something like a United Consumers Association, and ramp it up into a policy-shaping group that protects its members via protests, suggestions, lobbyists. Next time the airlines – despite their latest government bailout – raise prices or increase baggage fees, the UCA will unite and say, “nope.”
Imagine a bigger, broader NRA.
*Dak Prescott has been working out with Dez Bryant. Says the former Cowboys’ receiver looks good enough to “be back with a team.” Deep breaths, everyone. A team, he said. Not specifically my team. The Cowboys still consider a possible Bryant reunion as, at best, a “back burner” topic.
*Evidenced by his mesmerizing toe-tap catches, Amari Cooper has some of the best feet in the NFL. Bizarre “turd” criticism notwithstanding, I’m betting Rex Ryan and his foot fetish ...
Secretly love Amari.
*Day 30 without sports … COVID will forever own 19, in the same way that Chanel is No. 5, Flags is 6, Up is 7, V is 8, Catch is 22, WD is 40, Heinz is 57, Nintendo is 64, Phillips is 66, K is 401, Indy is 500, Levi’s is 501 and Porsche is 911.
*Mike Rhyner may have retired in January, but the founding father of The Ticket is staying media busy. I hear he was kicking the tires on a podcast before you-know-what shut everything down. And now I’ve learned of a documentary about his life and times.
Produced by Dallas-based CV Wonder Films, “The Old Grey Wolf” is set to be released this summer. I’ve seen a snippet and it looks tasty: Rhyner waxing oh-so-poetic in a Dallas Chaparrals T-shirt. Vintage video from his old KZEW “Zoo” radio days. Memories of – and an interview with – original Hardline partner, Greg Williams. Ride-alongs in his car.
And this tease quote: “Now that’s a story not everybody knows.”
Color me intrigued.
*Silver lining: Now’s the perfect time to schedule all house repairs. Because, why yes, thanks for asking, someone will definitely be home between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. And, for that matter, also between 5 p.m. and 8 a.m.
*Unintended consequences: “Sorry I’m late, traffic was bad …” is not currently a valid excuse.
*Day 31 without sports … Eight states have still not implemented “shelter in place” orders. Might as well designate “smoking permitted” rows on airplanes (it was a thing, as recently as the 80s) or allow just one kid to pee in the pool.
*H-O-R-S-E, of course! As a teen NBA fan in the late 70s I marveled at the one-on-one, trick-shot competition broadcast between games on CBS. Same game we played in the driveway. During our COVID-19 timeout, the league is considering bringing back a “self-isolated” version of the game.
If there was a Mavs’ contest, it’d come down to the two most talented and creative ball-handlers in franchise history: Luka Doncic and Steve Nash. If dunking is allowed, nod to Luka.
Alas, the NBA has decided. Luka's not it in.
*We’ve officially hit rock bottom. In a press conference where the President of the United States was addressing citizens about a virus that is killing 14,000+ Americans, a question about Joe Exotic was both asked, and answered.
*Day 32 without sports … You know something’s truly dangerous if the casinos and churches agree on how to respond to it.
*Cowboys placed only two players – offensive linemen Tyron Smith and Zack Martin – on the NFL 2010s All-Decade Team. Not surprising, because Dallas – under Jason Garrett 95 percent of the time – was meh-diocre the last 10 years.
86-74.
3 NFC East titles.
2 playoff wins (both Wild Card).
Drew Pearson remains the only player from the 1970s All-Decade Team not in the HOF. And Jason Witten could make a case for his inclusion over the Chiefs’ Travis Kelce on the current team. But retiring/missing 2018 harpooned his chance.
*It’s easy to sit around and get lazy ’n fat, especially when government leaders tell us that’s Plan A. But it’s no excuse for sports TV network programmers. I’ve been disappointed at the lack of creativity on our favorite sports channels during the lockdown. One thing we can all agree with Trump on, “You get tired of looking at nine-year-old baseball games and playoff games that took place 12 years ago.”
Same.
105.3 The Fan is trying its best to entertain us, airing a classic Rangers game each Saturday starting with Adrian Beltre’s 3,000 hit game this weekend. And props to Longhorn Network for 24/7 airing of the Vince Young, Texas-USC National Championship Game. But, for the most part, TV networks have failed us.
Just last week, for example, CBS and the Tennis Channel were showing its exact content – the Valero Open and the Miami Open – from the same time in 2019. I get that ESPN2 may have to dig deep for Axe Throwing or Climbing or WrestleMania, but I’m assuming every network has an extensive library. The classics each network should be showing us:
ESPN: The first SportsCenter, in its entirety.
FOX: Any NFL game called by John Madden-Pat Summerall.
NBC: Olympic moments featuring Muhammad Ali, Michael Johnson, the Dream Team, Mary Lou Retton and, yes, even Bruce Jenner.
ABC: Superstars, circa 1970s, narrated by Keith Jackson.
CBS: The back nine of any Masters, specifically Nicklaus in ’86 or Tiger in ’97.
Tennis: McEnroe-Borg. Sampras-Agassi. Connors-New York.
NHL: Miracle on Ice. Wayne Gretzky behind the net. Brett Hull “in the crease.”
MLB: They’ve done by far the best job, showing classic Game 7s. Kudos.
Golf: See CBS.
NBA: Lakers-Celtics 1980s Finals. Slam Dunk contests featuring Larry Nance, Dominique Wilkins, Vince Carter or a young Michael Jordan.
*Day 33 without sports … For real now, not a damn thing “grape” about Grape Nuts.
*You’re lying if you don’t admit to sometimes eating and/or showering, just because you are bored.
*Cowboys fans have been quarantined for almost 10,000 days. From real postseason success, that is. That’s how long it’s been – Jan. 28, 1996 – since America’s Team won anything other than a Wild Card game. Let me repeat that unfathomable reality: The Dallas Cowboys haven’t won a Divisional Round playoff game in 25 years.
*Another reason UFC is better than boxing. UFC properly calls its arena the “octagon.” Boxing still calls its square a “ring.”
*Day 34 without sports … Somebody pointed out on TV the other day, though they couldn’t be more contradictory, there’s a fine line between manSlaughter and mansLaughter.
*With basketball rims yanked, tennis courts locked and gyms closed for 30 days and counting, our bodies are going to need a lot of work to “flatten the curve(s).”
*ABC’s Modern Family is kaput after 11 years. I hear good things. But I saw 0 of its 250 episodes.
*How do you properly prepare for a pandemic? You take out an insurance policy on the unlikelihood, pay $2 million a year for 17 years and then … recoup a payment of $141 million when the sucker actually hits.
*Think you have that perfect Texan drawwwwl? Prove it. Audition to be the next voice of the State Fair’s Big Tex right here.
*The irony to all this mess is that when sports cranks back up, all we’re going to want to do is stay home and watch sports. Good news: If - I say IF - we survive this pandemic, it's gonna be a delicious sprint-to-the-sports-finish-line in 2020.
AUGUST: NBA Finals. Stanley Cup. MLB. PGA Championship. Indy 500.
SEPTEMBER: U.S. Open tennis. Kentucky Derby. NFL. College Football. MLB. French Open tennis. U.S. Open golf. Ryder Cup.
NOVEMBER: World Series. Masters.
*Day 35 without sports … Hair? Growing longer. Patience? Growing shorter. Time? Growing indiscernible.
*Let me get this straight: Jesus saved humanity by being crucified. While he was dying, at the bottom of his wooden cross in the tall grass were a bunch of mischievous rabbits divvying up a basket of eggs they had just stolen from a nearby chicken roost and were planning to somehow turn into candy. No? Fine, then you explain our bizarre Easter traditions.
*NFL owners are inexplicably upset that nepotism will allow Jerry and Stephen Jones to be in the same room for the upcoming NFL “virtual” Draft.
If I’m them, I want to keep in place any configuration that prompted Dallas’ brain trust to select Taco Charlton and Trysten Hill.
*Ravel’s “Bolero,'' even socially distanced, makes me feel a little better about a lot of things.
*This Weekend? Gardening in the backyard. Working out in the pasture. Rinse. Repeat. As always, don’t be a stranger.
