A Story from 2042: Evan Battey named head coach of the Colorado Buffaloes

Chase Howell

The year is 2042, Evan Battey just took over the helm as the head coach of the Colorado Buffaloes.

The previous head coach, Nate Tomlinson, is heading back to his homeland of Australia to be the head coach of his beloved Melbourne United.

He had been grooming Battey over the last five years to become the head coach. Battey is now one of the top recruiters in the country. He dominates the Los Angeles region and has all sorts of AAU connections.

Over the last few years, Battey has successfully recruited 12 five-stars to the University of Colorado. They went from a couple of top ten classes, to a top five class and now, going into the 2042-43 season, they have the No. 1 recruiting class in the nation.

The recruiting class is headlined by no other than McKinley Wright V, the top point guard in the nation. And Wright brought some studs with him, this class has four five-star recruits.

The Buffaloes will be ranked No. 1 in most of the pre-season polls after a trip to the final four the past year. They’ve been competitors in the tournament but they have yet to get over the hump and win the big one.

Most fans are excited about Battey taking over at the helm. But some are also worried about his lack of head coaching experience and whether or not he’s a good enough in-game coach to bring a national championship to Boulder.

They already know he has the recruiting chops but will he be able to get the Colorado Buffaloes over the top?

Luckily, he has Derrick White as one of his assistants, who learned under Gregg Poppovich while he played for the Spurs. He also spent time as an assistant on Becky Hammon’s staff in San Antonio.

They have also added McKinley Wright IV as an assistant coach on the staff. Some rival fans believe it was a ploy to recruit Wright V but Battey always wanted to have Wright IV on the staff with him. 

This is CU’s window. Can they get it done?

Tad Boyle retired in 2035 after a 25-year tenure as the head basketball coach at CU at the age of 72. They had three final four appearances and one national championship appearance but couldn’t win the big one. Tomlinson took over for Boyle after his retirement. 

*This entire story is entirely satire based off Evan Battey's tweet*




Chase Howell