The Screwed Tape Letters: Simmer Down
DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.
Dude,
You suck. And, as I'm sure you will be apologetically clarifying what you meant by "Big 12" and what you meant by "suck" after 9 million fans of Big 12 football let you know exactly what they think of you--just as Finebaum did, whom I previously eviscerated here--please allow me to preempt your imminent and inevitable mea culpa with a clarification of my own:
You. Chris Simms. Suck.
By that, I mean you are making substantial money, substantially more than I, to be knowledgeable and speak and write clearly and accurately about your field of expertise, which your time as a player for the Big 12 should have sufficiently prepared you for.
But, alas, you suck.
And you suck for the most pathetic of reasons: your quondam team sucks, and rather than encourage them to improve in their relatively short time remaining in the Big 12, or optimistically to champion their future time in the SEC, you would prefer to cut off your nose to spite your face and explain UT's lukewarm performance with its unique mediocrity being universal to the Big 12.
That, and I do hope you mind my saying so, sucks.
Because this is a public letter, I feel it is only fair to you and those readers who may not be familiar with your "tweet," to provide your exact words so we can all ruminate on the degree to which they, and you, suck.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, on the 4th of December, at 11:32 am to be exact (so alcohol presumably can not be provided as a valid excuse; otherwise, he really is in a pickle), Mr. Simms wrote the following:
"TCU in the CFP? The Big 12 sucks, and I played in the Big 12. I know what the resumes are, but the middle class of the SEC would win the Big 12."
As you know by the subtitle of this piece, I am a self-avowed Sports Ignoramus, I know nothing of sports, don't claim to, but I do have the sometime worthwhile task of taking my job seriously--at least as seriously as an ignoramus can. Now, please allow me to elucidate exactly how stupid that statement is, how much it sucks, and, as a corollary, how much you suck.
Your alma mater, finished third in the Big 12, came within one point of vanquishing Alabama, of your beloved SEC, Alabama, who beat Texas A & M by 4 points--the same A & M who lost to Appalachian State. And considering Alabama is the only team in the SEC people honestly think should have a shot of entering the CFP, they hardly represent a "middle class" SEC team, and they beat our third-ranked team by one point. Meanwhile, TCU beat Texas by 7, and frankly it should have been 14, but the offense made an uncharacteristic blunder that prevented Texas from suffering a full-on embarrassment. Now why could Alabama not perform as well as TCU against the same team? Because they suck. It's no wonder you like them.
But further, what sincerity! What self-understanding! That you would publicly admit that you know you suck, though I wonder if you would have said that in 2002. At least I hope not. Far be it from Max Duggan to insult his team or his conference, ever. Or any other conference, for that matter. Because Max Duggan doesn't suck.
So, to summarize, from a Sports Ignoramus (and by all means, please do correct me if at any point in this recapitulation I err): UT almost upsets Alabama, comes within a point, and then loses to Texas Tech (Tech!) and TCU--TCU who has beaten virtually every team they played. Alabama loses to Tennessee and LSU. LSU got thumped by Georgia and Tennessee lost to unranked South Carolina, those wonderful Gamecocks, unranked.
And yet, Alabama deserves admission to the CFP, not TCU.
I hope Nick Saban and Co. are paying you well, because when it comes to being a fair-minded, good-faith, knowledgable commentator, you suck.
May you continue to suck, good and long, the rest of your merry days.
Best!
SI
P.S., A fellow Frog had this to say: "Max Duggan threw four interceptions all season. Chris Simms threw four interceptions in one Holiday Bowl."
P.P.S., You suck.
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